Stag Dos these days are treacherous, with social media, multiple cameras and impending lawsuits a very real risk, stag parties are still pushing the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. In Glasgow things are no different and in many ways worse.

Here are 11 dangers to avoid on a Glasgow stag do. (We condone none of the antics below.)

11. Do Not Mount & Ride Wellington

At 170 years old the Duke of Wellington statue is not to be played on. He is ten foot tall, grumpy and apparently a bit of a ruffian, with a historically and currently still ongoing disagreement against the statues in George Square. (Seriously have a read.)

10. Rejected From Everywhere

It’s scandalous to think that the most popular bars and clubs in Glasgow, will not grant entry to 12 incredibly inebriated men dressed as slutty Disney characters. The Savoy, Reflex or a few places on Sauchiehall St will be your friend. Embrace it and enjoy it.

9. Don’t Abandon The Groom

Remember The Three Musketeers motto, all for one and one for all. That motto should apply to the stag night. No matter how funny it might seem, leaving the stag hogtied under the Tradeston Bridge will simply not suffice.

8. Hiring a Dwarf

With news that Glasgow has one of the highest percentages of stag night dwarf hiring in Britain. Remember to ensure that if you arrange for a midget to be attached to the main man, don’t lose track of him or the keys. Can you imagine the terror if the groom gets lost, finds his way home and still has the little person attached to him. The groom’s fiancee will not stop screaming when she wakes up in the morning and finds a random small person sandwiched between her and her future husband.

7. Airport High Jinks

So you’ve decided to travel abroad for the stag doo. 12 unstable menchildren flying directly from Glasgow Airport to some exotic liberally minded part of the world. What would make the journey to the airport more knee slappingly hilarious than hiding a vibrating sex toy in the grooms bag? What about hearing an 8ft6 police marksman screaming at the groom to face the ground and then watching the groom burst into tears and wet himself, after the appendage goes off at customs. Legend.

6. Arrange Taxis

Can you imagine the chances of trying to pick up three or four taxis from Gordon Street or Sauchiehall Street in the after dancing queue? Three of your group keep trying to run away, one is psyching himself up to find “an easy bit of the Clyde to swim in”, two are fighting in the street, and the rest are pleading with the kebab shop owner after he refused to serve them on account of the grooms inappropriate Osama Bin Laden costume. Night bus it is then.

5. Tied To A Bench, Scud B***** In George Square

The last thing the groom wants to wake up to is either, hobos having their way with him, a jail cell or a hospital bed after being diagnosed with frostbitten genitals. The fiancee will be furious, she’ll be expecting use of the frozen and shrivelled appendage on her wedding night. Embarrassment levels should not lurch dangerously into debilitating health issues.

4. Viagra & Strip Clubs

Problematic.

3. Incriminating Filming

The less incriminating evidence recorded whilst taking part in a Glasgow stag night, that would shame even the antics of the legendary hedonist Hunter S Thompson. The firmer footing and greater chance of the marriage lasting longer than the initial ceremony and resulting best man speech/Powerpoint presentation.

2. Wing Man

The wing man’s job is to throw his body on the line to save the groom. Seven members of a hen party harassing your groom in Jumpin Jax? It’s the groom’s immediate job to intervene. If the groom ends up at a swingers party with four transvestite clown costume wearing men? He’s failed at life. (Unless its preplanned and then its a salute. Legend.)

1. Accidental Kidnapping

Bundling the groom into the back of a van during a staged kidnapping, will seem brilliant at the time, however beware if it takes place on the streets of Glasgow, people are pretty high strung and are liable to phone the actual authorities. Tread carefully…So James, where are the rest of your wedding party? Eh, sorry, they couldn’t make it they’re on remand for an attempted kidnapping on Hope Street.