At GlasgowLiving we like to think that we as important to Glasgow as the wee guy who can balance on a tightrope while playing the fiddle. (Seriously that guy is like a sorcerer or something.) So we’ve decided to create a (tongue in cheek) tourist guide for anyone visiting Glasgow for the first time.

11 Tips For Any Tourist Visiting Glasgow; You Must Read Now. (Disclaimer None of This Is Factually Correct)

11. Drink Excessively

If visiting Glasgow for the first time expect to enjoy a libation or two. Also remember whilst in Glasgow do not be shocked if you come across thirteen year old girls who can out drink the average man. Drunk at thirteen, pregnant at fourteen. They have to start early in Glasgow, with the life expectancy being so low.

10. Weather You Like It or Not

Ah yes the Scottish weather, if visiting Glasgow in winter, expect to see 10 year olds playing outside in blizzard conditions. Weather forecasters on television tend to avoid using Degrees and Fahrenheit as a device for telling temperature. Instead their descriptive preferences are limited to the following statements. Not so baltic, pretty baltic, pure baltic, baltic, baltic as f***, and proper f***** baltic.

9. Next Level Swearing

Glasgow prides itself on next level swearing, probably the only city where you can be absolutely character assassinated and complimented in the same sentence. If you hear the sentence. “You’re a c***, but yer a good c***.” Congratulations this is a sign of endearment. However, “You’re a c***” is most definitely not, quickly excuse yourself from the premises. Tone is king in Glasgow.

8. Outside Criticism

Tourists must also be aware of criticising Glasgow within a bridge length of any Glaswegian, it is also foolish to join in and agree with a Glaswegian if they are criticising their own city. This is considered a test of your worthiness, fail and you will be banished to the dreary land of Edinburgh. (We know Trainspotting is set in Edinburgh, but it seemed very fitting.)

7. Nightclub Chants

Don’t worry if you happen to stumble into the premises of a busy nightclub in Glasgow, and hear the repeated and increasingly intimidating chant of; “here we, here we, her we f****** go.” The patrons are not actually preparing to mount a grand assault of the premises next door, they are actually enjoying their night. No one knows where the chant originated from, but many surmise it was chanted at the ancient Scottish battlegrounds of old.

6. Deny Injury

Never admit to being injured in Glasgow, the typical Glaswegian will deprecate the severity of any injury. Stabbed with a broken bottle right on the head? A Glaswegian will attempt to heal himself using sticking plasters, “ointment” and a quick lie down. You should at no time suggest the hospital as a viable solution. If you actually manage to get a Glaswegian to hospital, they will apologise profusely to the nurse for being there. Even if parts of their body are literally being held together by staples and sellotape.

5. Choice of Liquor

If you are visiting Glasgow for the first time and find yourself at a party, if you are asked to BYOB, only two bottles will be accepted, Tonic wine or fortified wine will gain you entry. Buckfast and Mad Dog colloquially known as Buckie and MD 20/20. Do not, we repeat, do not drink both these drinks simultaneously.

4. Politics

At no point during your stay, is it wise to engage in any discussions involving politics, there are still Glaswegians recovering from their referendum hangover and many families still refuse to talk to each other, following a “conflict of interests” in the run up to voting day.

3. Football

Football is a metaphorical minefield in Glasgow, you would have a more comfortable time escaping an actual minefield, in a warzone, in your underwear, than escaping an escalating arguement about football in Glasgow.

2. Travel on an Airplane

If you somehow find yourself on a plane flying from Glasgow or Prestwick airport, it is more than likely that you will be unable to purchase an alcoholic beverage, as Glaswegians appear to be unable to restrain themselves whilst 10,000 feet in the air. In other countries the biggest problem they face, is the “Mile High Club”, in Glasgow, the biggest problem is the “Mile Dry Club”.

1. Beware Standing Still Too Long

Don’t stand still for too long in Glasgow, you might get mistaken for a mannequin and stolen.