11 Ways to Piss Off a Glaswegian
Glaswegians, are friendly people, probably one of the friendliest people on earth.
But there are surefire ways to get on a Glaswegian’s goat, to really, really wind them up. Imagine repeatedly prodding a friendly bear with a really smelly jobby stick. The outcome would be a catastrophe.
GlasgowLiving brings you 11 things to avoid pissing off an angry Glaswegian.
1. In a foreign country (Basically everywhere except Glasgow) refrain from asking them to speak a bit slower or ask them if they are speaking English
No you fool, we speak Scottish, we speak Glaswegian, we can understand you, why can’t you understand us, although after a couple of drinks all bets are off, it really does become a foreign language. (We also except staring blindly at us with a vague smile while we jovially tell a heartwarming story about Wee Joe, his foosty leg and that 4ft2 stripper.)
2. Ask a Glaswegian if he has ever eaten a deep fried mars bar
No, of course not, the mere thought of that calorific murder bar, passing our lips is an insult to our delicate palate. But ask us about our love of deep fried pizza and chips and we could recant you a tale or two.
3. When in conversation, try to avoid asking what part of Scotland they are from, or more importantly if they hail from Edinburgh
If their strong recognisable brogue is not sign enough where humble routes doth lie, then avoid, dear friend, avoid. Being aware Glaswegians are Scottish will suffice. If not, you run the risk of playing land-mine bingo, wherein you randomly shout Scottish cities, like our favourite Tourettes sufferer Johnny Davidson. Offending everyone in the process. (This is true for all Scottish citizens.)
4. *Avoid all chat about Celtic or Rangers*
*This one is important*, Glaswegians are very touchy about their football, Rangers are always having a bad time, Celtic are always having a bad time, SPFL based in Hampden is always having a bad time, and Scottish Football is generally having a bad time. No good can come of this conversation. If you find yourself disastrously stumbling into this loaded conversation it is deemed socially acceptable to casually stand up, if in a bar, doff your bowlers hat at the Glaswegian, slide your chair under the table, and flee quickly and surely. Don’t look back…Unless.
5. You try to escape without getting your round in
Sacrilege, one of the cardinal sins. Unless there is an explosion, terrorist attack or natural disaster, you must repay the offering of a round of alcoholic beverages. It is considered a solemn blood oath, except, you know with beer. Other extenuating circumstances providing you with justification to vacate the bar and therefore break the Fellowship of Beer? Appearances of crazy ex’s, current partners turning up unannounced, screaming and shouting. Defecation, urination and projectile vomiting on yourself, are acceptable forms of exit.
6. Ask a Glaswegian to mimic famous quotes (we know David Tennant isn’t from Glasgow)
There’s been a murderrr, purple burger and any quote from Austin Powers Fat B******. They do not appreciate this, they are not performing monkeys, (unless that is their chosen profession.) There is a good chance there will be a murder committed shortly after you ask them to repeat these particular sentences.
7. For the love of God, avoid chatting about your political affiliation
Your political opinion is wrong. The Independence Referendum tore families down the middle, its still a bit of a (massively) touchy subject, Glasgow was one of the first to revolt against the Poll Tax. The old saying goes, there’s more pandas in Scotland than Tory MPs. If you support Conservatives, run, run for your life.
8. Say you’ve visited Glasgow, and it turns out you’ve visited the Shetland Islands or elsewhere
Scotland might seem small to you our travelled friend, but to Glaswegians its quite huge. In fact, it takes almost an hour on the bus to get from East Kilbride to Glasgow, most Glaswegians have never even been to the Shetland Islands and probably couldn’t point to it on a map. (Or own a map…Or know where to buy one.)
9. Offer a Glaswegian voice activation on any technology
For example. Ask Google for “Cineworld Cinema Times”. Google search returns “Synagogue Sinbad chimes”. Thanks, but no thanks. There are Glaswegians out there still trying to use Teletext?
10. Ask us anything about Trainspotting
It is Edinburgh, the author, Irvine Welsh is Edinburgh (Leith). Begbie, the maniac? Actor Robert Carlyle? (sheepishly) Oh yeah he comes from Glasgow.
11. Offer a Glaswegian evidence to support the claim your Great, Great, Great, Great, Granny’s Dog hailed from Glasgow
If you weren’t born there, live there or died there, sorry to say but you’re not Glaswegian.