The capital city of Britain. Some say one of the greatest capital cities in the world. The grandeur of London drawing swords against the plucky Scottish underdog. Always remember though, every dog has his day. (Even a wee Scottie).

We present you 14 reasons to escape London for Glasgow immediately…

1. Vow of silence

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You’ve more chance of getting a conversation out of corpse at the wrong funeral than you have a stranger on the London Underground. In Glasgow, that random stranger you struck up the convo with, yeah turns out he was at your parents wedding 27 years ago and used to go out with your auntie Jeanie.

2. The price of renting

London Flat

This flat costs £737 pounds a month to rent in London, talk about snug. (Snapped up in half a day).

3. The price of owning

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Not sure whether it’s just us, but paying £140 million pounds for anything, unless, you know, you’re weighing up the pros and cons of buying a planet in our solar system, seems a bit too severe of a financial expenditure.

4. The horror of getting a round in

Noooooooo

Noooooo you fool! Did you not hear the sharp intake of breath when you offered to get a round in? That wasn’t simply a sharp intake from your small social gathering. It was the entire pub, the management upstairs and every staff member behind the bar. Even the homeless people outside the club clasped their mouth in horror. A round in Glasgow? So cheap you can get the jagers in as well.

5. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

Boris-Johnson

Explain please! You what? You voted Boris Johnson in as Mayor of London… Twice? What was his competition? A half eaten, mouldy yogurt?

6. Homicidal wildlife

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In Glasgow foxes are quite noble, certainly mischievous,  a little cheeky, but ultimately, welcome additions to the garden. (We even leave food out for them). In London they are vicious, housebreaking, rabies inducing murder beasts, who appear to have a taste for human flesh.

7. A way with words

shocked

There is no affectionate way to call someone a c*** in London (unless it’s a fellow Glaswegian visiting). There will be offence taken. They might cry, they will leave.

8. Using the Rail service

london

Northern Line, Victoria, Charing Cross, Greenwich, East London, What? Where? P.S. here’s the most complicated map in the history of maps, try looking at it, surrounded and squashed by complete strangers. Quick, check your phone, sorry no signal. And don’t even think about asking anyone for directions. You’re likely to get pepper sprayed and then arrested.

9. Concerts

Take_That_Wembley

Aw, you really, reallllly want to see U2, Ed Sheeran or literally anyone in the charts perform live? Fancy a ticket at the very back of the venue, view obstructed by a 30 foot structural frame? No? That will be £1oo+ pounds please. Meanwhile in Glasgow? Distraught paying £60, but why not pop along to the Barrowlands or King Tut’s, tickets are about £20.

10. Cultural Demise

waiting in queues

Sadly you will never visit another museum again upon moving to London. You will most probably never visit anything again, London is a tourist Mecca. Every museum worth going to see will almost certainly have herds of camera flashing, squawking tourists queueing from 5am. In Glasgow? They’re almost all free admission and relatively calm.

11. Bloodthirsty Skyscrapers

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Rather worryingly, it appears nowadays, that not only will you be chased to your £700 room by rabid, child snatching foxes, but if you loiter too long gasping for breath, the building, you’re standing in the shadow of, will attempt to melt you out of existence. Kind of like giving an enormous evil skyscraper the power of Superman’s eyes.

12. London City *ankers

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This is how the bankers of London treat nurses and doctors protesting at NHS cuts. Protesters shouted, “save our NHS”, bankers were replying “get a job”.

13. Citizen duty

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It’s almost guaranteed that no one will come to your rescue if you are a victim of a crime in London. Whereas it’s like the Glasgow guarantee that people will go out their way to help fellow citizens.

14. Apples and Pears

Danny Dyer

Seriously how can any Londoner attempt to mock the Glaswegian accent? Three words… Cockney rhyming slang.

So there you have it, why would anyone want to live in London if they have Glasgow as an option? What did you think of our list? Have we missed any off it? Leave us a message or give the GlasgowLiving team some Bebo love.