21 things guaranteed to happen in Glasgow when sun comes out
Everybody can sense it, one less layer of clothing, having the bravado to put the thinsulate gloves in the cupboard, no longer needing to use the dog as a hot water bottle at the end of the bed, but now at the weekend you no longer have the cover of darkness to hide the walk of shame.
Yes Glasgow, the sun is coming. Not that fake winter sun, where it’s so cold, the snowmen plead to get indoors. Nope we mean the real sunshine. Be aware however, you know what happens when the sun comes out…
21 things guaranteed to happen in Glasgow when the sun comes out…
1. Immediately check where in the world Glasgow is hotter than
We’ve all done it, fire up the TV weather and gaze smugly as Glasgow gets compared to Greece or Spain. What else is happening in the world, recent newsworthy current affairs? Quiet you! We’re nearly continental.
2. Enjoy way too much alcohol at inappropriate times of the day
10 o clock on a Sunday morning, work at the crack of dawn the following day? What a fantastic time to hammer a crate of beer and destroy a bottle of vodka. Who cares about the deathly hangover rampaging toward you come Monday morning.
3. Stampede to the nearest beer garden
Who cares if it’s nine degrees, and there’s frost lingering in the shadows, the sun is out and its your solemn duty to make the most of it. T-shirt? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Hypothermia, and thermal blanket? Check, check.
4. Fire up the thirteen year old barbecue
Channel your inner Bear Grylls as you scavenge for food and live off the land, (3 for 2 deals on chicken at Lidl.) Dispute whether the chicken is fully cooked. Eat it anyway. Chicken’s supposed to look pink inside, is it not?
5. Recover from salmonella
After forcing yourself to eat three bags of undercooked chicken, you rightfully take your place at the top of the food chain, king of the jungle. Hold on, what’s that warm, stabbing pain, pulsating through your lower abdomen. Ah yes, that’ll be the side of severe food poisoning to go with your half frozen main meal.
6. Flock to the seaside
Hundreds of Glaswegian families flock to Largs/Ayr/Saltcoats beach like a migrating army of pale skinned football top wearing seagulls. “The sun’s oot come oan let’s head to the seaside,” they cry in unison.
7. Invade Kelvingrove Park/Glasgow Green/Queens Park
The people unable to make the trip to the sea side, make do with staking their squatters rights in the afore mentioned parks, be sure to arrive early though. Only rookies arrive mid afternoon, and expect to find yourself sitting anywhere but a hill with an almost vertical gradient whilst simultaneously being attacked by ants.
8. Attempt to play football in the park
What a brilliant idea, bring a football to the park, however, the game that unfolds would be considered assault in any other walk of life. Cue, cuts, bruises, tantrums and the park attendant asking you to leave. Following multiple noise complaints by the parents of terrified children.
9. Get attacked by jaggy nettles
Why yes, you should take the shortcut through the overgrown bush resembling the entrance to the Amazon jungle. Who cares that by the end of the shortcut, your bare ankles look as if they’ve been affected by radiation poisoning. You shaved a total of 14 seconds off your total journey. Now where are those doc leaves?
10. Refuse to wear suntan lotion
Wear UV protective, life saving lotion? Not likely! The sun isn’t here here long enough to worry about primitive things like sunburn, premature ageing or skin cancer. Pass the cooking oil please?
11. Being housebound after receiving 2nd degree sunburn
As you sit shivering in a dark corner with suspected heat stroke, look forward to spending the entirety of next week’s sunny weather, inside, shaking like the family dog on fireworks night.
12. Children allowed to rampage until four in the morning
Expect to see wild, almost feral children rampaging around the “square” until dark o clock. Anarchy and lawlessness reigns supreme during the summer.
13. Kids being allowed to camp out
Do expect tents to pop up everywhere, don’t expect kids to sleep in said tents, definitely don’t expect your delivered milk to be at your doorstep in the morning.
14. Complain about the weather
Too hot, too cold, too cloudy/windy. You’ll say them all. Also guaranteed complaints when the heavens open up for the first time in eight weeks, offering rain to appease the sun scorched earth.
15. Lose/break five pairs of sunglasses
Pay £80 for the first pair and lose them by the end of the weekend. Continuously purchase and lose new glasses throughout the summer, until forced to buy from the the pound shop, as you’ve taken out Wonga loans to cover the unforeseen financial expense.
16. Take part in a water fight
Super soakers filled with soap, concussion causing water balloons, head trauma and crying children. It sure is great when the sun comes out.
17. Live in fear of the great outdoors
Prepare to battle and defend your home against, midges, bees, wasps, spiders, the sun, escaped dogs, ladybirds and that weird child that runs about the bushes themselves, reminiscent of a character from Lord of the Flies.
18. Invite the great outdoors into your home
Admit defeat and watch crestfallen as your home is invaded by midges, bees, wasps, spiders, the sun, escaped dogs, ladybirds and yup that weird child, who now officially lives in your garden.
19. Sweat profusely
Forget to take the 13.5 tog Arctic winter duvet off the bed and the results will be sweating a third of your body weight off. Each night. Every night.
20. Lose your mind when the ice cream van arrives
You can hear its familiar, comforting sounds, way off in the distance. The hypnotic chimes of the local ice cream van, get ready to push the queuing kids out the way, you’ve waited 7 months for a half melted, half glacier frozen ice cream, not even the grey sickly looking child that everyone lets skip is standing in your way.
One thing that Glaswegians are certain to do when the sun comes out? Grin like the Cheshire Cat. Remember, no matter what happens Glasgow’s always a better place on a sunny day than a rainy one.
So have we missed any clangers out Glasgow? Let us know below. Ps remember to enjoy the glorious weather.