If you’ve ever had the privilege to attend a party in Glasgow, as in “the Glaswegian empty”, you will know that the party has less in common with the Hollywood interpretation of a house party and closer representation of teen horror movies.

Sure at first everything will be going well, ground rules will be set, no shagging in the parentals bed, nae bombers on the brand spanking new carpet and no one shoe randomers. But unbeknown to the host a bat signal in the shape of an empty house has already been projected onto the night sky.

We present to you the timeline for a typical Glaswegian “empty”

12:00pm. And So It Begins

house party

Wee Davey, the host, will begin receiving cryptic phonecalls around 12pm, awaiting the departure of the parents and without trying to arise suspicion, he will speak in code, grunts and whistles, which makes it incredibly hard for the person on the other side to understand, as they hadn’t discussed any of this to begin with.

1:00pm. The Parents Leave

the simpsons

After what seemed an eternity of dragging their heels, and questioning whether they should take wee sister and the dog, parents abandon their post and evacuate the area. It has begun. The parents are unaware but 13 of the Wee Davey’s friends have been strategically hiding in the back garden hedge since 10:30 in the morning.

3:00pm. Taps Aff

trampoline

By three o clock, after drinking a months worth of alcohol in under two hours, there will be some sort of duel in the back garden, taps are aff (any temperature), tunes will be blaring out the top window (Probably DJ Pulse or Bonkers compilation), and if there’s a trampoline, Wee Davey’s already sustained an injury serious enough to warrant a hospital visit. (Broken bone, new hole in body, concussion etc.)

5:00pm. Cergo Hunt

Dude

After the democratic decision not to send Wee Davey to hospital, (its cool he’s passed out on the kitchen floor.) There’s the horrible realisation that the night’s “carry out” has only lasted four hours. After much squabbling about who should go for more, the same two people, who go every time, go again, one of whom is usually Wee Davey.

7:00pm. Return of the Kings

i-am-king-of-the-world-o

After travelling half way across the country because nobody would serve two shirtless drunken class clowns, and Wee Davey refusing to take off the bandage he had wrapped round his head, the heroes return, but instead of receiving a heroes welcome and possibly small parade, are greeted with pandemonium in and around the house.

8:00pm. Houston We Have a Problem

oh no yes no

The dog is shaved and stuck up the tree, people are throwing themselves out the top window onto the trampoline below, and please God no…there are one show wearing randomers, choosing the music. Wait is that the phone ringing?

9:00pm. All Hope Is Lost

bastards

Vomit in the sink, in the dogs bowl (which it is now eating), after being retrieved from the 15ft tree, and there is full scale revolt at the cd player. The one shoe randomer has been forcibly removed from playing a “pure deep” rare acoustic Idlewild album, Bonkers compilation is put back on.

11:00pm. False Flag

run away police

The one shoe randomer has lock picked the liquor cabinet and is now rapidly ingesting a bottle of Hendricks Gin, whilst sitting in the corner. Instantly music is turned off somebody shouts police and the “empty” empties. The back garden fence resembling the Grand National at the first hurdle.

1:00am. No Turning Back

til the break of dawn yoah

As the empty commences again, the amount of people who returned has doubled, but disaster, somebody has stolen the Bonkers CD, wait where’s the one shoe randomer? Who even was that guy?

2:00am. Damage Report

sleeping at party

Time to check the damage, dogs still alive, good sign. Upstairs, every bed has been used for God knows what, similar to a really perverted version of Goldilocks trying out the beds of the three bears. Unfortunately, at no time was anybody sleeping on the beds. Who’s pants are these hanging off the door? Oh no they’re his mothers and they appear to be sticky.

2:30am. Bathroom Bombscare

cinco-de-mayo-drunk

Wee Davey picks himself up from the foetal position and staggers forward, positive that nothing else can possibly shock him, he stumbles into the bathroom, what awaits no man should ever need to witness. The “missing” one shoe randomer, naked in a bath filled up with, half vomit, half bath water, snuggling into the Hendricks Gin.

4:00am. Minesweeping

monkey-stealing-drinks-at-beach

Only the hardcore are left, people are sword fighting with knives in the kitchen, the dogs getting it on with whoever is unconscious on the floor and health hazard tape has been firmly strapped around the upstairs bathroom. Scavengers are minesweeping the discarded alcohol, and the party goers surrounded by a cloud of smoke are eating raw bread straight from the loaf.

6:00am. Last Man Standing

last man standing

The party is over, the half shaved dog is sleeping and bodies have evacuated the area. All it took was Wee Davey to mention cleaning up, and like Lazarus they rose from the dead. Davey takes a look at the war zone masquerading as his home and for the second time hits the foetal position.

12:00pm. The Horror, The Horror

wake up scared

Wee Davey awakens to a blood curdling scream reverberating around the house. The parents have returned, the house is wrecked and the dog is bald. Before Davey can stop her, the mother storms off upstairs shouting “Deal with this, I’m going for a bath.”

But wait wasn’t the shoeless randomer upstai…?