What do you call two weeks of non stop rain in Scotland in June? A Heatwave!

Right! We get it, the majority of time, Scotland’s summer leaves a lot to be desired, when those glorious few days arrive and the mercury pushes 17 Degrees. Scotland certainly makes the most of it.

Here is a humorous look at some of the basic differences between a Scottish and an English summer?

1. Time

English citizens can look forward to a month or two of healthy concurrent dose of warm summer sunshine and vitamin D, replenishing their vitamin levels and helping create a steady and well balanced societal mental clarity. In Scotland, we get a single solitary day, a third of which is cloudy, and it also happens to be the day the bees decide to launch their attack against humanity.

2. Transport

Ah the good old trusty Scottish transport system. Upon the temperature reaching 16 degrees or above, tracks will melt, trains become long roast ovens, turning the carriage into a sweaty sauna, oh and cease to move anywhere. Whilst anybody mental enough to travel by bus will be forced to push a 12 tonne double decker most of the way after it casually, spontaneously combusts attempting to leave the bus stop. In England there is mayhem if transport gets slightly warm or is delayed by seconds.

3. Refreshments

In England, chilled, Pimms and Cream in the garden. In Scotland, warm Buckfast in a field. Nuff said.

4. Sport

In Scotland we watch the majority of our domestic football teams, get absolutely humped out of every European competition before they even make the second leg. We celebrate Andy Murray reaching the Wimbledon semis, whereas the English send “the churlish Scot” mail describing just how miffed they are, while burning his lamppost strapped effigy, in Wimbledon Common.

5. Temperature

In England the temperature will reach 30 degrees on many occasions, expect to witness the disrobing of many clothes. In Scotland the temperature will push 17 degrees two days in a row and people will lose their mind. Scottish mothers will still be dressing their children in winter clothes minus the four scarves and twelve hats. Gloves are mandatory.

6. Climate

England will suffer the wettest summer since records began, newspaper headlines will blame foreigners. In Scotland we’ll suffer the wettest summer since. Em the last one. We’ll blame the BBC weatherman.

7. Festivals

Scotland has TITP, where if you happen to become separated from your wingman you’ve a pretty great chance of rediscovering each other. If you lose your friend at Glastonbury? They’re gone forever, forget them, notify their family and try move on with your life, best take solace with the druids.

8. Hosepipe Ban

In England, regular flaunting of a hosepipe ban can see you fined, summoned to court and jailed resulting in a pretty serious criminal conviction on your personal record. In Scotland? Hahahahahahahha, a hosepipe ban? It hasn’t stopped raining for three weeks.