8 Things Guaranteed to Happen on the First Lads Holiday
The first lads holiday is a right of passage, two weeks of peak European summer heat, limited consumption of drinking water, application of suntan lotion or even the slightest sense of danger, there’s many a reason why the first lads holiday tends to be one that you’ll never be able to forget.
Here are 8 things guaranteed to happen on your first lads holiday abroad.
1. Airport Anarchy
“Gentlemen have you left your bags unattended at anytime, or have you allowed anyone other than yourself to pack your bag?” An innocuous question in any other situation, but ask ten inebriated 18 year olds, on their first holiday without parental supervision the same question and the resulting answers will cause, evacuations, bomb alerts, controlled explosions and a serious, serious delay to your holiday plans. Oh and that angry Glaswegian with the three crying kids, and a wife who looks like she haunts people’s dreams? The same guy who hasn’t blinked while staring at you for 7 minutes? He’s beside you on the plane, coach, and next door in your hotel for two whole weeks.
2. Summer Love
“She well likes me mate”, your besotted pal repeats, slurring in your ear. Yup, Jessica, the 20 something, bronzed, bikini wearing, blonde PR, who chats up 600 guys a night, has apparently fallen for your mate, the skinniest, drunkest, 18 year old, homesick manboy on the island. Prepare for two weeks of repeat visits to the same bar, revolting shots and fishbowls where the active ingredient could actually be fish. Only to be left consoling your pal as “Hunter”, Jessica’s 6 foot Australian bodybuilder, surfer boyfriend, “randomly” visits a week into the holiday. “There there mate, she’s not good enough for you.”
3. Severe, Sunbed Sunburn
As you struggle to open your eyes, you hear Bastille, Pompeii pumping out of a 1999 Hitachi cd player, Opening one eye, you realise. Yep, surrounded by horrified holiday makers, you’ve passed out on a sunlounger at the side of the pool, and everybody is staring as if you’ve arisen from the dead, or even as if you’re naked. Trepidly looking down, indeed, you are in fact naked, and you have been lying clothe free for 6 hours. Unconsciously unaware, the sun has been cooking your lotion free, vampire like skin, for seven hours. Similar to leaving a Dairy Milk on top of a microwave.
4. Hell no, H20
Water? Your mate questions, as if offended. “Don’t be daft. Why would I want to buy water when I can buy beer from the same supermarket, for nearly the same price and they don’t I.D me?” That same friend will wake up at six in the morning and have to choose between drinking the gruel out of the bottom of a pot noodle, unsafe cholera infested tap water, the population of drought affected Africa would reject, or that full glass of clear liquid that you’re pretty sure is 80% per cent, locally bottled vodka.
5. Doctor D*** Dolittle
“Don’t touch or feed the stray animals” say the reps. It’s too late though, your mate, y’no the one that holds his pet a little bit too tight and has signed up to every animal charity advert he has ever seen on television, has fed three dogs, a cat, a scorpion, two feral wolves, some sort of genetic cross breed, and a local, directly outside your apartment. You now live amongst the animals, the locals will recite songs about you, and you in turn will attain a debilitating psychological fear of open windows and animals for the rest of your life, after waking up to a scene from Ace Ventura.
6. Similar Faces
Travel half way around the world. New place, pumped up for new experiences, full intentions of meeting new people, and who do you repeatedly bump into on the first night and for the remainder of the holiday? The entire youth population of your local area, ex school mates, your neighbours weird son, who clings to you like a lifejacket, and even that one really intense guy, you met in the doctors two years ago who was sure “bonded” for thirteen minutes after he found out you were in for similar looking foot rashes. Unfortunately no interesting strangers, and very few once in a lifetime experiences, maybe next year.
7. Broken Bones & Scars
Punching machines made of reinforced steel, the opportunity to drive four wheel quad bikes with a provisional license, cliff jumping, sooo much glass and sooo much alcohol. It’s almost guaranteed that one of these high risk activities will result in the need for some sort of medical treatment. Aren’t you glad you decided to purchase health insurance. Wait you did fill out that form didn’t you?
8. Lost in Translation
Hmm I don’t recognise those road signs, come to think of it, this is a dirt road, i’ve been walking down it for fifteen minutes, without any hotels, tourists or even any written English anywhere, should I turn back? Nah it’ll be fine, I’ll ask these three fine gentlemen rapidly approaching behind me. “Excuse me gentlemen”