The WhatsApp group has been in furious discussion for weeks, its been agreed, the old gang are back together and raring to go, everybody has filled out the required request forms necessary to get time of from the other half, and there’s been no last minute injury drop outs.

Its only the f****** Huge Glasgow Night Out. Friday Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling!

1. The Arrival

three hours late

You know the ritual, everybody is due to arrive at Central, and nobody does, people appear hours later abseiling down buildings or Hollywood action guy rolling out of a moving car. You’ve also got the mate who is only given permission after completing a week worth of tasks from his other half, like watching a frantically domestic version of the Crystal Maze. Assembling in Central Bar, the crew resemble the worst version of the Avengers in history.

2. Barnets & Bravado

haircut jim carrey

The first thing everybody notices is the mandatory, shocking £80 quid barnet, “wee Davie” is proud owner of. Something they failed to mention on WhatsApp. “The lassie in the hairdressers says it makes me look like a model.” they say. “Aye, pity your face and dress sense disnae” comes the retort. The night has chosen its sacrificial lamb.

3. The Train Journey

train surfing

The train journey can be fraught with peril. The very modern fear of being asked to “stop drinking on the train” at on 9pm, or receiving disapproving tuts and sideward glances for excess use of inflammatory language, from the two classy ladies on the train hammering wine out of a bag.

4. The Urination Station

pingu pissing

At some point during the journey every person will face the dreaded “break the seal” moment, the universal conundrum, twist a knot in your bladder and be literally forced to spend a penny in the station, or use a train toilet. Both girls and guys will testify that attempting urinate on the train is similar to how a pinball must feel being shot around the table. Woman will inevitably end up sprawled on the floor, guys will leave the toilet resembling an incontinence sufferer, ridicule follows.

5. Chasing An Opener

gifs shots

Probably the most stressful part of the night, trying to get everyone to agree to the first pub. There’s always the one mate, who isn’t happy anywhere (guaranteed to go MIA around 10 o clock after drinking 14 shots in a row.) After leaving Tingle, 3 hours, 36 Mad Scientists, 6 Disco Infernos, 4 Porn Stars and 2 pints of Stella later. The night’s in full swing.

6. Onwards & Upwards

george michael 80's

With the £80 pounds haircut ruined and members of the group missing, its onwards to the next castle. An hour later with everybody dejected after being refused entry to even the Counting House. One final push sees you rejoice after gaining entry into Reflex the 80’s Bar. A few things become certain. Everybody during the 80’s must have been on seriously hard drugs and how could they not be aware George Michael was gay?

7. Living On A Prayer

rave gifs

After a little loosening up and a surprise grope at the bar from a woman you’re pretty sure used to be the secretary in your primary school. The music remarkably becomes amazing, suddenlyyou find yourself belting out Bon Jovi’s Living On A Prayer at the top of your lungs, air punches and guitar solos included. Like a gift from God, Spandau Ballet Gold erupts from the speakers and suddenly you’ve found yourself sliding across the middle of the dance floor.

8. In The Blink Of An Eye

rocking out

The next few hours disappear in a haze of mullets, epic guitar solos and a seriously dodgy proposition from woman who experienced the 60’s’s, never mind the 80’s, and then it’s done. The lights are on, you look downwards and you’ve burnt holes into the knees of your jeans, your group of friends has whittled down to three, two of whom have sworn never to visit an 80’s bar again. The other mate joined you sliding acroos the dance-floor, right into the arms of your primary school secretary.

9. The End is Nigh


Drinking the remainder of your Masters of the Universe inspired cocktail, you are asked to vacate the premises, battling a feeling of sorrow and a fiendish hunger, you realise there’s only one thing for it. Purchasing the entire Bistro menu and Ubering a taxi.

Sitting dejected in the Uber at the end of the big night. Two words later your party spirits are reignited.

After party..?