14 Reasons Why People In Glasgow Hate January
Oh January, how did you manage to sneak up on us? Partying in December, like a debauched 60’s rock star, it seemed that the good times would last forever. They didn’t! January came thundering into view, like the world’s worst elephant in the room, bringing with it mass amounts of guilt and a smattering of shame.
What’re your reasons for hating on January, Glasgow? We’ve more than a few.
15. Slim Gym
Gym memberships will explode in Glasgow, resulting in regular gym goers, strutting about like roided up peacocks, especially if they are asked for assistance, by anyone, anytime, anywhere.
14. Snow Joke
Someone will commit the cardinal sin of suggesting Glasgow has missed out on the “worst” of the wintery weather, resulting in you being engulfed in a snowstorm as you leave the house, and mauled by an escaped polar bear for good measure. Remember, Scotland can get snow in the month of May people.
13. No Gain, All Pain
80% per cent of people will fail to return to the gym after the second week, but will make repeat visits to A&E as their body screams in torment after being forced to carry out any sort of “strenuous exercise”. They will of course continue to pay the 15 year contractually binding gym membership fee.
12. Liver Quiver
You will be forced to live up to the promise you whispered to your liver on “the bells” to book it a wee solo spar weekend, “if it just got you through one more night of ‘festivities’.” You’re only slightly starting to worry now that it’s mid January and your pee is still a vague brown colour.
11. Social Avoidance
You will actively avoid anyone within one hundred metres of your social circle after seeing them 50 times, across seven consecutive days. So much so that you have seriously considered changing your phone number so nobody can get a hold of you, ever again.
10. New Year, New Me
“New Year, New Me” will get its own emoticon, hashtag, top ten single, website, chatshow and will marry and divorce a member of the Kardashians by the end of the month.
9. Effing Learner Drivers
Will utterly terrorise main roads everywhere, the AA will earn so much money in January it will earn a place in the FTSE 100.
8. Shopping Centre Exodus
Shopping centres will be so empty they’ll be suffering serious abandonment issues, similar to how a one night stand feels when they discover their bed friend has escaped…by jumping out of a third story window, down a drain, covered in ice, rather than face waking up alongside them.
7. Sofa King Cheap
You will gain a real hatred for DFS, SCS and Homebase constantly screaming that their sofas and couches that have somehow got even f****** cheaper.
6. The Doomed Groom
The groom will be somewhere in the photo’s background staring abjectly into the distance, questioning why he left searching for a present until 7 0 clock on Christmas Eve, absolutely hammered.
5. The Birth of the Bridezilla
Facebook will be absolutely riddled with photos of Bridezillas going f***** Facebook status mental.
4. Pull over, Keel Over
You will be forced to wear that horrible itchy jumper Granny got you for Christmas, after she only went and fell into a pond and died on Boxing Day, after attempting her own Great Escape from the nursing home.
3. Decoration Abandonment
Christmas decorations and trees will be discarded in the street like the hundreds of unwanted Christmas Day puppies and kittens abandoned in boxes.
Finally, you yourself, will have to fight off a stroke when you muster up the courage to check your bank balance on Jan 10th, rather than being presented with a fearsome number, you are instead presented with a skull and crossbones and below that the number of a hitman and financial advisor.
May your 2016 be prosperous and full of fortune Glasgow.