So it’s here Glasgow, Freshers week, where thousands of students descend for the first time onto Glasgow’s hallowed turf, get absolutely mortal and possibly grab a few free pens.

Read on for “A Very Glaswegian Guide to Surviving Freshers”

1. Do Not Attempt To Visit Every Bar & Club In One Night

drunk student

Glasgow has 700 bars and clubs across the city, no matter whether you successfully “drank a crate of French beer to yourself one night” it is impossible and you will die. You’ve also got four years to try the bars. Chill.

2. Do Not Get On Strange Buses With Strange People At One In The Morning

slimer2

There’s a pretty strong chance that JJ and Jaymie who you met in Play, might not become your future wife and brother in law (even if she does sort of look like Tulisa.) Upon arriving at the bottom of their high rise and being able to hear Bonkers Foreverlutions booming from their top floor flat should clear up any doubt surrounding this.

3. Do Not Hit On Every Student Within 60 Seconds Of Entering Union

barney stonson

Apart from the fact you will resemble a fruit fly maniacally attempting to mate before death, it’s going to look pretty creepy to every other human being present, and no one wants to be known as the STD king for the rest of uni.

4. Do Not Live By Motto “Eating’s Cheating”

et

Be honest, who hasn’t uttered the phrase “eating’s cheating” to a cacophonous cheer, but did you hear about that good looking student who lived their life by it? No? That’s cause he got sent to rehab and now resembles ET after he fell in the river.

5. Do Not Not Accept Painkillers Off Strangers

painkillers

It would probably be advisable to avoid telling your new Adidas wearing techno friend, about your back and knee pain. There’s a seriously, seriously strong possibility that they haven’t just offered you painkillers to remedy it.

6. Do Not Venture Into The Unknown

Mordor

If anybody answers your question “cool bro, where is your party?” With, Milton, Possil or Maryhill, politely decline their request. You could consider a trip to Mordor slightly less risky than those particular areas, and the 20/21 year old you’re chatting with probably has a 44 year old grandparent.

7. Do Consider Consequences Of Midweek Tingle Visits

If you have class at nine the following morning, or if you plan on doing anything within the next 36 hours, Tingle will almost certainly break your mind body and soul.

8. Do Think Twice When Attempting To “Clap” The One Eyed Stray Dug Outside The Spar

koba

Are you really sure that petting the one eyed, razor wire chewing, dog who resembles “Koba” the crazy ape from Planet of The Apes is such a good idea? Even if you are a supposed “dog person”.

9. Do Act Quickly When Needing To Source Research Material For Uni

There are an estimated 67,000 students in Glasgow, better late than never is probably not going to be an adequate excuse with your lecturers as you wait for everybody else to finish their 7000 word essays. Purchasing second hand study materials online will save you fortunes as well.

10. Do Not Mention The Ongoing “Burger War”

burger

What’s so mental about Glasgow having 90 gourmet burger restaurants within 10 feet from each other. Where else can you eat a burger while looking directly across the road at somebody else also eating a burger and vice versa.

12. Do Think Twice About Drinking The Bottom Of The Pot Noodle

gruelss

So you’ve chosen to ignore every piece of genius advice we’ve offered. Went to Tingle on a Tuesday and woke up on a couch in Milton, cuddling a 34 year old grandparent. Your druth tastes like dehydration and shame, you look down and you discover the liquid gruel at the bottom of yesterday’s pot noodle at arms reach. You can’t wake up your couch partner to get to the tap. What do you do?

13. Do Accept Relentless & Red Bull Into Your Social Group

energy drinks

They might taste like a failed science experiment where the main ingredient is horse urine, but energy drinks will help you long into the final night prior an exam. Sleeping or studying is vastly overrated anyway, because after your fourth can, you’ll definitely have the ability to eat books and absorb their information, like a second rate Marvel superhero.

14. Do Not Set The Fire Alarm Off…Ever

blanket party

No one in halls will think your “totes hilar” practical joke was funny and heaven forbid the war weary, seasoned third and fourth year uni veterans find out if you do, imagine Private Pyles blanket party punishment in Full Metal Jacket.

15. Do Consider Financial Restraint

del

Probably best to try and avoid living like a rock star during the first week of freshers and then contemplate working like a porn star after destroying your bank account within two days. Champagne on a Monday? Not the greatest of ideas.