5 Reasons It Sucks To Be A Glaswegian Adult
Have you ever watched a younger member of your family or a young neighbour having fun and realised, damn my life is completely miserable?
No? Answer us this. How many times a day do you check your phone hoping for a text or notification and feel rejected if no one has contacted you? Exactly.
Children are there to remind us just how depressing it is to be an adult, don’t believe us? Read on, however, please discard of any sharp implements in the nearby vicinity before you commence with the article.
1. Ice Cream Van
A. Have you ever seen children running toward an ice cream van? Its absolutely lawless, no health and safety concerns, with added tunnel vision and a ruthless streak not unlike some characters straight out the pages of Lord Of The Flies. This is prior to loading up on some high quality, fast acting, heroin for children…Sugar. Run People, Run For Your Life.
B. An adult at the ice cream van? The saddest person you will ever lay you eyes upon. Don’t believe us? Peer into the eyes and bear witness to the broken soul of the ice cream van driver.
2. Disneyland (Whisper it)
A. You’d be wise to whisper this word within a three mile radius of any nearby children, it invokes sheer pandemonium, have you seen the Disney advert? Scenes are rehearsed nineteen times and look at the children’s eyes, the hope, the anticipation, each time they genuinely still believe they’re going to Disneyland.
B. An adult going to DisneyLand? An 8 hour flight with the child sized pogo stick ingesting a litre of Christmas Day. Tears, tantrums, vomit unlike anything seen outside of the Exorcist. Dealing with the inevitable night terrors, following the half stoned actor playing Mickey Mouse’s costume head, tumbling off, in slow motion, mid hug with your child. Resulting in your child growing up convinced they are responsible for the decapitation of their childhood hero.
3. Blowing Bubbles
A. If there is anything more definitive needed to make you realise, life is just a series of anecdotes prolonging your eventual demise, including a calamitous funeral where the pallbearers drop your coffin on the way into the parlour. It would have to be the difference between an adult’s interpretation and a child’s interpretation of blowing bubbles.
B. Look at the happiness and joy bubbles bring to children, not only blowing but chasing, popping, capturing, simultaneously captivating an entire herd of children, sheer unadulterated happiness, so happy that they usually try to drink it. Now present a group of adults with the same bottle of bubbles and what happens? Nothing, no laughter, no happiness and a seriously irrational fear of getting soap and water in their eye. We’re doomed.
4. Using Your Imagination
A. An imagination. Remember that thing? It used to keep you entertained for hours, (No we’re not talking about PornHub). You could literally sit a child down in an empty, bare room, provide them with a stick and leave them to it. Next thing you know they’re fighting pirates, casting spells as a wizard and generally having the time of their life.
B. Now stick an (almost certainly) confused adult in the same room, under the same conditions and watch what happens. Very little. They’ll probably snap the stick, attempt to mentally weld it back together, look for somewhere to hide it, give up, throw it against a wall in disgust and end up sitting on the floor in a huff. Comparisons to chimpanzees will be justified.
A. The Daddy of them all, if any of the previous evidence hasn’t fully convinced you, then we’ve no choice but to offer Christmas as evidence. Christmas for children is probably the happiest time of year, presents, Santa, chocolate, snow and weeks off school. How wonderful for them.
B. Christmas for adults, unbelievable queues, erratic behaviour, spending almost your entire wages on toys and presents, so that the following week they will be branded obsolete, and prices slashed in half. With an added bonus of cooking the year’s most difficult dinner. It’s quite troubling but adults actually have be reminded to be friendly to each other. Did we fail to mention the taxi queues or Christmas parties?
The best thing we can look forward during Christmas is being hungover, emotionally vulnerable and crying profusely during any movie with a hint of tinsel or a heroic dog.
Don’t even get us started on babysitters and Hogmanay.