Although it might seem difficult to accustom yourself to your local Bam society, following our step by step instructions should mean that you’ll be invited into Glasgow’s most famous fraternity quicker than the time Eastenders’ Martin Fowler lasted sixty seconds in his initiation fight and instantly became mental.

Here is an easy 8 step guide to becoming King of the Bams…

1. Become Immune To The Cold


This is essential, you will be standing outside for an extended period of time in Scotland, wind, rain, or shine. Picture the kind of cold weather that causes Sherpas to think twice about leading mountaineers to the peak of Everest. Sherpas and mountaineers wear specially designed clothing, enhancing (but not ensuring) their chance of survival. Neds wear football scarves their “Da” bought them at the last “Sellic” or “RaGers” home game topped off with one pound magic gloves from Poundland.

Rumours of a surprisingly high percentage of bams, becoming world class mountaineers due to their immunity from the cold, are as of yet unconfirmed. However one mountaineer when asked at the peak of Everest about his training rituals said, “ahm saying nuhin mate, ahm no a grass.”

2. Learn The Distinctive “Bam Dance”

bam dance

This is a tricky one, the choreography can be difficult to learn and if you mistakenly learn barn instead of bam, you will instead be learning the traditional “barn dance” something, we can assure, you do not want to showcase on the dancefloor at the local nightclub, colloquially known as the local “dancin”. It involves “bouncing up and down whilst fist pumping the air”. Minutes to learn but a lifetime to master.

3. Wear Sports Clothes But Refuse To Participate In Any Sports


Bin those chinos, corduroys, coloured jeans, fitted shirts and really anything that doesn’t have a matching tracksuit top. All white combo clothes, so bright they impair the view of local pilots. Will guarantee you special brownie points. It’s a bold move but matching an all white tracksuit with gleaming white Nike Air Max and white sports socks can help you win “Ned of the Month” awards at your local “Neddery”. (Imagine a monastery except for Bams.) Your only source of exercise will be fleeing from the “polis”. And/or chasing “mad dafties” from other areas or “schemes”.

4. Prepare To Get Empties

ned party

Not to be mistaken with casually knocking on neighbours doors and offering to take their returnable glass bottles to the ice cream van. Getting an empty involves inviting the local youths with a similar taste in all white sports attire. Remember to let them use your fine china for an ashtray, the toilet will be used for spawning the birth of a new sports attire wearing generation, which will also secure local female youths (who wear identical clothing to their male counterpart), “with a pure dyno flat in those new built high rises”.

5. Adopt The Local Diction & Vernacular

neds dictionary copy

First of all never use words such as diction or vernacular, instead it will be better to mock people who attempt to use words longer than five letters. In the mirror, practice saying statements such as “HawwRightMateWhitsHappenin” and “AhyeSureThingMateHinkAmADafty”. For added emphasis it is essential you practice speaking heavily through your nose, whilst cursing and swearing at least three times every sentence.

6. Renaming the Kids

chav children

If you already have children, prepare to rename them by legally binding deed poll with “heavy belter” names such as Princess, Jasmine, Kenzie or Tyler. It is essential that you also buy them matching all white tracksuits immediately withdraw them from any social clubs they attend, the street is now their social club and main roads are their playground, reward them with deep fried dinners every night.

7. Practice “Menshy’s”


With your training nearly complete, no future Bam’s training can be complete without learning the art of writing your name in spraypaint, “permie” marker or simply by burning the adjacent wall with a lighter. Perfecting your “menshy” will ensure your name becomes synonymous with bam culture in the local area. It is now almost guaranteed that minstrels will write songs about your triumphant evolution from Not to Ned in eight simple steps.

8. Fortified Wine Is Your Friend


Throw away your Merlot, Chardonnay and Cabarnet Sauvignon. In fact discard your wine glasses completely. You no longer need them. From this day forward you will only consume alcohol immediately out of a bottle. You have no time for a liquid holding middleman. Learn to adopt sentences such as, “gies a tan”, “wantae bounce up for a cergo” or “pure blazin” into your everyday chat or “patter” for extra Bam points. Anything less than the equivalent of eight cans of caffeine in your wine and your lips “it shall not pass”.

There you have it Glasgow Nowt to Ned in eight easy steps. What did we miss?