Here at the Glasgow Living offices, we care about you Glasgow. Except you at the back. Yeah, you. We’re keeping our eye on you.

That’s why we’ve decided to bring you a Do’s and Don’ts guideline to help you successfully battle your way through the social jungle that is the Glasgow Christmas party.

plan-outfit2

DO: Plan your outfit beforehand

This could be your chance to impress NHS spectacle wearing, sultry Donna, in HR, by finally proving to her that you don’t always wear ill fitting jumpers and trousers with three day old dried cheerios attached to your back, like you’re chauffeuring the world’s smallest hitchhiker.

“What about one day old cheerios?” You ask. “nailed it”.

clown-shoes2

DON’T: Forget the appropriate footwear

Don’t be that guy. You know the one who spends weeks perfecting the outfit, a hint of santa red, securing your place as the office festive heart-throb. Topped off with tinsel and the obligatory twig of mistletoe, for that lucky someone. Only to realise you haven’t bought any footwear in 33 months.

It dawns on you as you finish putting on your novelty Christmas socks, and will result in you being forced to borrow a pair of specially made size 14 Jesus sandals courtesy of “Big Alf”, your 7’7” freakishly tall friend.

taxi-queue2

DO: Plan ahead, pre-book a taxi or a ride

Not that kind of ride, you pervert. Plan ahead, pre-book a taxi and you could be the office saviour. Upset because sickly Robert in the office is always being offered the last biscuit? No longer. You are the new office hero, you can demand the last chocolate digestive. Who cares if people scream at you because Robert is diabetic, and at high risk from a hypoglycaemic fit. You are the new office king. You have earned your crown. Your first role as office king? Avoid fainting, as you plunge a lifesaving syringe full of insulin into Robert’s leg.

long-walk2

DON’T: Shout f*** it and attempt to walk the fifteen miles home at the end of the night

Fifteen miles is far from home. Winter is cold. Your drunk mind is trying to kill you. Any idea that doesn’t involve a Network taxi or moving on to a new venue (probably Jumping Jax) is silly. Don’t, very vocally, yell “conquest” at Donna from H.R, and beckon her to jump on your back (especially if you’ve ended up wearing Big Alf’s size 14’s).

DO: Get to know your boss

Preferably not whilst both of you are in the men’s toilets of Curry Karaoke, standing centimetres apart at the urinals. Bide your time, engage him at the table or the bar and it could be the start of a beautiful friendship. You never know, you might bond over a mutual hatred of people who pour hundreds and thousands on top of sponge cake and ice cream.

DON’T: Get to “know” the boss’ wife

Alarm, Alarm, Danger, Danger. Imagine the boss is a Great White Shark, hundreds of razor sharp teeth and according to Steven Spielberg an un-natural hatred for people. Now imagine you have somehow found yourself in his water, and you can’t swim. Now exchange the word water for wife.

DO: Dance with your colleagues

Found yourself on the Garage/Savoy/Burger King dancefloor? Bust a move. Even if just a for a little while.

As long as you don’t attempt to breakdance, bam-dance or barn dance, it will show you are more than just an office face and you can let your hair down and relax. This in turn will allow everyone to relax along with you.

P.S. Don’t request Darren Styles’ “Freefallin”, rip open your shirt and shout “HARDCORE TIL I DIEEEEEEEE!!!” while sliding thirteen feet across the floor. (Well, unless you really have to of course.)

DON’T: Sexy dance with anyone (especially the boss’ wife)

See Great White Shark response.

DO: Agree to work harder in the next year

Found yourself sitting/sleeping/snuggling against the boss’ shoulder, when he asks what your plan is for the next year, reply: “Work twice as hard”. Answer correctly and you can look forward to the inevitable promotion, company car and being invited onto the boss’ yacht to laugh together whilst frolicking in the balmy waters of the Clyde.

DON’T: Forget who you’re sitting beside and launch into a rant about how much of a fanny the boss is

Found yourself drunkenly slumped against the boss’ shoulder? First of all… NO… Never find yourself sleeping against the boss’ shoulder. If this happens, remember, great white shark. Do not say: “Every day I come to work my soul dies a little more, and I’d rather eat a fresh sh** from the boss’ a***hole than look at their f***ing face”. And then try to get off with them. Don’t do it.

DO: Share tales of past glories

Bond with your workmates and you might end up with lifelong friends. As you battle through the political minefield of the Glasgow Christmas party, you could captivate the entire office with witty tales of your travelling experiences. Do tell the office about your memories of dancing at the full moon parties in Thailand. Remember to avoid speaking of finding yourself. (No reason, other than it’s entirely cringeworthy), but also avoid tales of consuming DMT, and speaking to the tree God’s of planet Thoromadin.

Maureen from accounts will go home to her policeman husband and you will have an entire police force discreetly follow you as you take “fluffy” (your labradoodle) out for his nightly walk, for the rest of your life.

DON’T: Get carried away and forget that not every experience is acceptable for the office Christmas party

Avoid, avoid, avoid, speaking about that hilarious time in Thailand with Shaian, your lady(boy) soulmate, who without warning and without saying goodbye, left in the middle of the night, but took your passport, all your earthly belongings and a copy of your fingerprints as a memento of your cherished time together.

DO: Request the following day off work

Trust us, if you’re supposed to be in work at nine o’clock the following morning and you find yourself accompanying the boss to the Riverboat Casino at five, the last thing you’ll want to do is be faced with a spirit crushing day in work. Interject this with spontaneous sprints to the toilet, where you agonisingly miss the bowl and find yourself rolling around in last night’s fifteen jaeger bomb shots, legs and arms akimbo, like some tragic, upended tortoise.

DON’T: Turn up at work on your day off

Whatever you do, don’t turn up outside your office on a stolen quad bike (wrestled off your fifteen year old neighbour) hammering a bottle of cooking sherry. Donna from HR will not think you’re James Dean, you will not ride off into the sunset together, and most importantly Robert will regain the rights to the last digestive. The greedy b*****d.

As you are escorted away to the priory for your annual Christmas drying out session, you will only watch in disappointment as Robert wraps his arm around poor Donna from HR to comfort her. Maybe next year, eh?

Avoid these average Glaswegian office Christmas party mishaps, and you shall be crowned office king. (Crown easily appropriated from Burger King).

Merry Christmas from all at Glasgow Living.