How to spot a Glaswegian abroad
A fine creature the Glaswegian. Once a year accompanied by its companion and usually carrying their young, they migrate to warmer climates for an undefined period of time.
Under great duress they will probably proclaim to wishing to be back home in the “normal” Glaswegian climate of rain with brief glimpses of sunshine, however they are more often than not relieved to have made the subsequent journey.
The Glaswegians are of a feisty nature, especially keep an eye out for the younger generation of the species. They fly to the same climate, and for the same amount of time, but be assured they go for vastly different reasons.
To all Glaswegian enthusiasts out there, remember to only ever, admire the red or “ginger” plumage adorning some of the migrating species, and avoid startling or harassing them. They can quickly become defensive and prone to bouts of aggression if stressed in the wild.
If you have your WeegieWatching books with you, why don’t we have a look at some of the other telltale signs in spotting the elusive Glaswegian abroad.
10. Duty Free
The Glaswegian upon leaving and returning to their natural habitat, will have a special Duty Free only credit card that they keep for “special” occasions. They will efficiently purchase and return with more alcohol and cigarettes than the entire non Glaswegian section of the plane consume in the migratory two weeks. Almost guaranteed to be searched at customs.
9. Last ones to awaken in the morning
Following the previous night’s exploits, the Glaswegian will quietly and meekly appear from his temporary habitat seemingly terrified of the blistering sunshine. Upon being asked if they would like an alcoholic beverage, their reply will be. “Ooft not a chance pal, not until I’ve had ma breakfast.” They will however request an alcoholic beverage with said breakfast.
8. Wandering aimlessly in search for a Daily Record
A Glaswegian is very tenacious and will spend hours attempting to locate their desired Daily Record in scorching sunshine. Upon discovering the whereabouts of the item, they will be horrified to discover it costs 1000% per cent more than at home and is several days out of date. They will still purchase and cherish it like the Holy Grail.
7. Considers themselves cultured by choosing a locally sourced meal
Upon sitting down in an eaterie, a Glaswegian will look at the menu and attempt to enunciate his order in the local dialect, before being quickly informed by the waiter that he’s originally from Drumchapel and to, “turn the menu over and stop being a dick.”
6. Drinking competitions
A Glaswegian will at some point in the short migratory season engage in an unnecessary drinking competition, usually with species of similar backgrounds, but failing that, any member of the local population will suffice. Resulting in both contestants eventually drinking a mixture of petroleum and cooking oil. Contracting dysentery is almost mandatory. Listen for the distinctive call of “Glasgow yous like a drink.” and the retort, “well I wouldnae say no mate.”
At some point during the Glaswegian’s short migratory season, a member of the younger generation will go missing from the flock. There will be several possible reasons for this. The hypnotic allure of a member of the opposite sex, an ill advised cooling off in the moonlit sea, or serious, serious inebriation, wherein the following morning they will wake up confused after being discovered face down on the beach like a washed up piece of sea debris.
4. Familiar surroundings
The Glaswegian will spend several days creating a visual map of the surrounding areas, and will deftly avoid certain territorial areas. These watering holes tend to feature the “Engerland” species. Glaswegians will almost certainly all flock to Scottish, Glasgow or Irish familiar based habitats. Even after promising to avoid such cliches when first arriving at their short migratory destination.
3. Dismissive attitude toward H2O
The Glaswegian species will tend to refuse any intake of H2O whilst on their short trip. This is partly due to the mistaken belief, “ma vodka/beer/raki has probably got water in’it.” Other members of their peer group also pressurise saying “man up and don’t be a p*****”. They will however replenish lost fluid at 8:30am from the unsanitised bathroom tap or drink the remaining liquid from an unfinished Pot Noodle. Dysentery is mandatory.
2. Hazardous relationship with sunshine
With the majority of the Glaswegian population having skin similar in material to tracing paper. Central European sun tends to have somewhat of an adverse reaction to fragile Glaswegian skin. Three days into the migration you will find them shivering in the shadows with lobster red skin and suspected heat stroke. While still refusing to applicate protective lotion of any kind for fear of, “going back paler than a came man.”
1. Last people to leave the bar
One surefire sign you have spotted a Glaswegian, will be his refusal to leave the watering hole or “bar” they have found themselves at. They will almost certainly be the last to leave, outstaying some of the staff in the process and drink more than anyone else combined.
Well what are your thoughts on our guide to spotting a Glaswegian abroad? Have we missed any essentials off our list?