The Glasgow Subway/Underground/Clockwork Orange (delete as applicable) is quite the old dear, like seriously Yoda old.

Only Budapest and London in 1896 and 1863 respectively, welcomed passengers before the Glasgow Underground. Nearly 35,000 people use it daily, and 12.95 million used it last year, it’s clear Glasgow treasures the Subway. Although let’s be honest it’s not without its trials and tribulations.

Here is a humorous look at the 7 trials and tribulations you face travelling on Glasgow’s world famous Subway…

 

7. Agonising Eye Contact

There’s nothing worse, casually looking up, trying to alleviate the searing pain in your neck, after staring at the floor between St Enoch and Partick, and you accidentally catch the stranger sitting across from you’s eye. Momentary gaze, whatever you do, Do…Not…Smile. Brilliant, you pretty much smiled like Hannibal Lecter sizing up a victim, and yes, they’ve immediately evacuated the train to inform the authorities there’s a serial killer on the carriage. Never…Look…Up and certainly don’t smile.

6. The Gaelic Adverts

Hmm, I wonder if the people who get on and can read that Gaelic advert feel really smug? Though I bet it doesn’t even say “learn Gaelic”, its actually an inside joke mocking all us Sassenach’s who are oblivious to the language of our forefathers. That’s it I’m definitely going to learn Gaelic. Well maybe not learn, but I’ll watch Braveheart and Rob Roy and eat haggis during it. Well obviously after I finish watching the latest series of Downton Abbey of course.

5. No Joys From The Noise

Ooft, the noise from the Glasgow Subway sounds like a 747 jumbo jet engine being force fed a drawer full of cutlery, followed by the entire nationwide stock of Ryman Stationary paper clips propelled directly into the blades of the engine. All conversations consist of screaming in each others face and saying “what?” Upon leaving the carriage, patrons are encouraged to walk directly to their nearest otorhinolaryngologist (ear doctor) for a complimentary tinnitus test.

4. Destination Unknown

Kelvinhall or Kelvinbridge? Kelvinhall or Kelvinbridge? Aaagh why can I never remember this, I’ve been travelling on the subway for 15 years. Whose idea was it to have these two stops literally seconds apart. Quick get off, it’s definitely Kelvinhall. Wait is Hillhead before or after Kelvinbridge? Aaaagh! This will happen daily. Now imagine how people visiting for the first time feel.

3. Temperamental Transport

Set the scene. A late Saturday night pours into an early Sunday evening, and you finally decide to confront the fear. Monday morning is lingering heavily on your conscience, every drink tastes tainted, every sorrowed laughter you share seems forced and hollow, its time, homeward bound. Stepping out into the grey cloudy expanse covering the City of Glasgow, you stumble toward the reassuring Subway, safe in the knowledge you are already one step closer to reaching your final destination…Bed. Only to be distraught after discovering. The Subway ceases to exist on a Sunday after 6pm. Lashing out toward the murky looking sky, you let out a blood curdling, “nooooooo”. (We’ve all been there.)

2. Pub Golf/Sub Crawl

Fantastic, stuck a carriage full of people so loud and underage looking you almost feel the need to ID them yourself. Oh it appears one of them (Pete, information you acquired) has now projectile vomited down the carriage and is lying on the floor. As you sit there trying to quell the growing rage bubbling away inside, you can just about see at the corner of your eye a trail of vomit consisting of Gregg’s sausage roll pastry, the gold from what you assume is Goldschlager, and a red liquid which you hope is Aftershock and not the lining of poor, wee floor Pete’s stomach. Woooooo, Sub Crawl.

1. The Last Train Home

Be honest there is probably nothing quite as creepy as standing on an unmanned station in Glasgow’s Subway system at 11:30pm. Walking to the station, barely even a glimmer of fear, walking from the station, you feel so safe, you’re actually skipping along the pavement. But for those few minutes waiting nervously on the last train, your heart rate goes through the roof, you’re pretty sure you’re breaking out in cold sweats and, what’s that? That 90 year old man struggling down the stairs looks suspicious, is that shopping in his Farmfoods bag or a concealed, foot long, hunting knife? “Hi Mum, Dad, can I stay with you tonight?”