Glasgow Central Station is unofficially the beginning and end to every great night, the ninth busiest in the whole of the UK and has been in operation since July 31 1879.

Although you travel through it almost everyday, have you ever really really had a look at The Superstars of Glasgow Central?

The Glasgow Central Toilet Mafia

glasgow central toilets

Right where to start with the bloody Toilet Mafia in Glasgow Central Station, never mind having to spend a penny in Central, you instead need to spend forty of them, and navigate the slippiest stairs known to man. Better bring your sledge cos you’ll be heading downstairs on your arse otherwise. 40p? No Concierge? Blimmin Eck.

Urethra Eureka…At 40p per use Central’s toilets are the most expensive in Scotland and earned £600,000 pounds within the last three years.

Newspaper Sellers


Undeniably the most knowledgeable men in the whole of the city, mainly because the majority of them were selling newspapers when St Mungo first started blessing people on the Molendinar Burn. Rumours of St Mungo buying the paper the next day to see himself on the front cover are as yet not proven.

No one knows where the newspaper sellers go at the end of the night or where they originally came from. We presume they all live within the walls of Central Station in one enormous fully furnished co-share house, painstakingly built from the sheets of unsold newspapers. It is also mandatory to own a moustache.

The Mad Dashers


Ah yes as reliable as the huge clock dangling from the roof of Central Station. “The Mad Dashers” are the unfortunate ladies and gentlemen fleeing toward their shortly departing train. You can easily spot them as there tends to be a trail of belongings and body parts left behind as they willingly, sacrifice their body and soul to catch the 5:42 train to East Kilbride.

It it generally accepted that the abandoned children left behind after failing to keep pace with their parents eventually evolve into newspaper sellers after first handing out Shortlist. In a kind of Glasgow version of the Circle Of Life.

The Pigeons


The equivalent of Glasgow Central Station young team. Are currently engaged in a turf war with Queen Street Pigeons. Hundreds of members in each gang, a treaty was brokered during the Commonwealth Games but long term peace talks broke down after splinter pigeons began “menshying” profanity in each others territory.

Gordon Street Coffee Customers

Gordon Street Coffee

We love Gordon Street Coffee, in fact in our Glasgow’s top coffee article, Gordon Street was awarded no.1 in the city, but the customers who exit and walk along Gordon Street and beyond with smug satisfaction, snorting dismissively at anyone who dare purchase a coffee in Starbucks or Costa. You’re buying coffee, not curing cancer. (Unless you’re indeed a scientist curing cancer who also prefers locally roasted coffee) If you are, we are humbled in your presence.

The Virgin Pendolino Crew

Virgin Trains

The air of superiority is unmistakeable as you drag yourself past stumbling on to your wheel less Network Rail carriage. Commuters part as the Pendolino crew seem to float toward their elegant Cinderella like carriage. Who are they? Why do they smell so radiant, how do you become part of their majestic organisation? Nobody knows.

Burger King Queue Crew

burger king glasgow

The Burger King Queue Crew. No matter what time of the day, you can be guaranteed there will be an enormous queue. Should we inform them theres a Burger King across the road that doesn’t cost one third of your total monthly wages? We should, but we won’t.

This Hero

This guy

To every member of the fire service, past, present, and future, the bravest of the brave.

That Drunk Guy Over There Sleeping on the Seats

teenage boy sleeping on bench at station

He’s been there since Monday morning, it’s now Friday. His face has actually appeared as missing on the huge illuminated screens almost directly above him? The renegade pigeons have spray painted GCP on his chest. Will anybody wake him? No way, he might be terrifying. Come to think of it, is he even still breathing?

N.B if you’ve never seen him, then he’s almost certainly you. You’ve been asleep for four days, call your wife. Tell her the pigeons have got you again.