The Superstars Of The 4am Glasgow Night Bus
What an adventure the Glasgow night bus is. By adventure we obviously mean terrifying adrenaline ride where you’re equally likely to witness a joyous and spontaneous outburst of civilian singing or a six foot penguin arm wrestling with Edward Scissorhands.
Ah Glasgow, there’s nowhere else like you in the world.
We bring you “The Superstars Of The 4am Glasgow Nightbus”.
Ah yes the driver, attempting to stab every 4am passenger with his deadly eyes. “How much mate” each reveller asks, and each time as his soul dies, the driver points to the massive A3 page of paper with the words “Night Bus £2 pounds, No Passes” in huge bold unmistakeable block capitals. The next person…”Can I use my pass mate.” His soul dies just that little bit more.
The 3 Goths/Alternatives Sitting At The Front
The reliable Cathouse or Classic Grand crew, sitting down on the triple seat near the front, exasperated they have to share a bus with such civilians of conformity. People might take the piss under their breath or from afar but you can guarantee every person in the bus is terrified of the 6ft guy wearing eyeliner and is besotted with the multiple pierced, green haired wearing female.
The “High On Life” Ravers
They’re impossible to miss. Almost certainly sitting up the back of the bus, basically yelling at each other, although they’re six inches apart, each suffering from a serious case of tinnitus. All will agree in unison that “it was an actual pure bangin set” eyeballs will be the size of saucers, and if anyone on the bus requests a piece of chewing gum, 15 packets will be offered, ranging from Hubba Bubba right up to the fearsome Airwaves.
The “Yin” Semi Conscious But Apoplectic With Rage Barman
You’ll find this broken individual with his head slumped against the bus window, receiving whiplash after every bump in the road. Wearing mostly black, he will have recently finished a 19 hour shift, and upon making last orders in the casino, watched as his drink was knocked from his hand by an overzealous patron yelling about needing “Mandy” . The barman’s rage fuelled face could make an onion burst into flames
His “Yang” Really, Really, Chatty Colleague
The Yang to the angry barman’s Yin is his upbeat, wide awake, chatty colleague, hunting desperately for a party after consuming two pints and four jaeger bombs at last orders after work. It will not matter to the chatty colleague that he has been answering his own questions for the duration of the bus journey. The passed out friend is praying to Hypnos, the God of sleep, that no party is discovered.
The Pissed Passed Out Guy
The only person on the bus who has commandeered an entire seat to themselves. The pissed passed out guy, who has definitely been asleep so long on the bus, there are missing posters stapled on lamp posts around the local area.
The wannabe Harry Styles, The Don Juan of No.6 Night Bus. Struck out with every single member of the opposite sex the entire night, sensing one last chance at glory, he bounces around the bus searching for a prospective conquest. In his eyes a smooth talking, classy debonair. In everybody else’s? He’s leaping around like a bunny rabbit with a hardon.
The Ned Stand Off
Two packs of opposing Neds, one bus. Gunslinger stand off, but instead of guns they’re packing clipper lighters. Every lull in the conversation, the only thing going through people’s minds is “Oh sh**, it’s going to kick off,” every cross gangway glance, every perilous whisper, every jagged movement. A bus holds its breath. Until finally one pack of youths leaves the bus accompanied by a “f*ckn dafties” safe in the knowledge there’s a pane of glass and 30 mph separating the two groups.
The Slightly Perplexed Foreign Worker
Usually sitting near the front of the bus holding a bag on their lap, completely bewildered as to why Glasgow’s entire population is on a No.6 bus at four in the morning, behaving like they’re on their way to Alton Towers. They will definitely leave the country the following day, citing “the Glaswegians are mental”.
The Conspiratorial Smoker
The steamer who can’t last an advert break without sparking up a “snout”, spending a quarter of the bus journey psyching themselves to light up. Coaxed by their peer pressure inducing friends. Convinced the smoke will drift out of the window, because of a vague (possibly made up) memory of third year physics. Upon lighting the cigarette, the bus will be engulfed in tobacco smoke, ex smokers will begin licking him and three asthmatics will open every single window and then barrel roll out the emergency exit.
The Back In The Day Couple Tanning A Chippy
The Golden Oldie couple, reliving their youth, probably out seeing a reformed rock group from the 1970’s, will regale the bus with stories involving, resuscitating Mick Jagger after a gig at the Apollo, or branding Ozzy Osborne a lightweight after joining him on a 5 day bender in the 70’s. By the end of the bus journey everybody will be so enraptured with their tales of old, applause will break out and tears will be shed as they leave the bus.