It’s Christmas party time Glasgow, although it might seem tempting to unleash the inner you on your workmates, remember you need to face them again very soon. Christmas Nights Out are but once a year. Shame can last for years.

Here is a humourous look at the perilous 8 Stages of The Christmas Night Out.

1. Beware The Danger Pre-Drink

It all started so well, in Morrisons two hours ago, you promised yourself just a beer or two for a “wee charge”, instead you bought 20 Stella, and a quarter bottle of Morrison’s home brand Gin. Rather than jump in a taxi pronto and get up the road for a shower, you decided to walk, polished 9 bottles off and bartered 7 away to the local young team.

Got home, pissed on Jorge’ the dog by mistake, he’s taken umbrage, you’ve lost the ensuing fight, and are now in a taxi, sneakily drinking the bottle of gin while trying your best to wipe the dog’s saliva and your blood on the back seat, totally incognito. Wooo and its onwards to the Christmas party.

2. Curry Karaoke Calamity

After mistakenly turning up to an actual local curry (sans karaoke) house, run by a lovely Chinese couple. In your stupor, you fail to realise your error and spend 20 minutes, challenging anybody who makes eye contact to a karaoke off, while windmilling your best air guitar maneuverer. The realisation of being in the wrong place only dawns on you, when you span the room and all the children are crying.

After one final rock out to absolutely no music whatsoever, you leave for the curry karaoke, not before hugging the curry house owner on the way out, screaming “Simon Cowelllllll, why did you buzz me?”, through a face full of tears.

3. Eating’s Cheating

Easily the worst bit of advice, equal to, “of course those train tracks aren’t electrified” or if ever visiting Bangkok, “of course I’d tell you if I thought she was a Ladyboy”, (he wouldn’t, she was). Stumbling toward Curry Karaoke, using your Google Maps like a desperate and dehydrated water diviner, you finally appear at the front door, tidy yourself down as best you can, and swagger in like a cowboy crossing the threshold of a new saloon.

Holding composure, you make your way to the bar, ask for a quadruple vodka, but instead have to settle for a half pint of lager. Slumping down beside “Church Going John” from the office you proceed to ruin everybody’s dinner by proclaiming divine intervention, shouting “Eating’s Cheating, Eating’s Cheating, honestly it’s in the Bible’s 12 Commandments”.

4. Church Going John

Gripping onto the table like poor old Jack held onto the door in Titanic, you realise “Church Going John” from the office, deserves to be serenaded. He is a beautiful big bald man, and deserves to be loved, even if only for the three minutes you sing to him.

You take no notice of his repeated claims to be “happily married” or that his wife is “turning up for drinks later”. You doubt yourself for a split second but you agree that he’s in denial and unleash a rendition of Chris De Burgh’s “Lady in Red”, ensuring you both go cheek to cheek at the crucial moment. Unfortunately it’s the wrong cheeks that you caress ever so gently.

5. Pace Yourself

After a remarkably touching version of “Lady in Red”, inappropriate touching aside, each person who bore witness to the spectacle, was in agreement that it was indeed quite a moving moment. For a second everybody forgets, there’s a madman on top of a table who until very recently was groping a middle aged church going man, while simultaneously singing Chris De Burgh’s most famous anthem.

Surprisingly the party progresses without incident, for the better part of an hour, and at the point of almost clawing back a sliver of self respect, disaster strikes 6.

6. Don’t Be “That” Guy

“Shotttttttts, let’s do shots”, you scream, vaulting toward the bar, unfortunately you crash into John’s wife, who has just finished her 19 hour shift as an ambulance driver.

There’s no time to question yourself though, it’s time for the JagerBombs. Bringing six back to the table, you look up and with expectant eyes fixed firmly on the drinks, you hammer them, one by one, six in a row, and proceed to projectile vomit over Tommy, the office temp, on his first night out, first Christmas party, on his 18th birthday.

Tommy fires straight up into the air like a lit firework and flees the building, he is never seen or heard from again. Some say he became a secret operative for the Government, others say he works five minutes down the road in another office.

7. “Big Jeannie” From Human Resources

Even after these massive alarm bells, the party continues, with everybody in agreement, that you are cut off, through the drunken fog you just about decipher the word “enabler” and “last year’s party“. You take no notice and spend half an hour mine sweeping everybody else’s booze. You’re only rumbled when you’re discovered in the cloakroom, caught in the moment (finger blasting) “Big Jeannie from Human Resources” surrounded by dozens of pilfered untouched drinks.

Surprisingly you’re asked to leave, and with the soundtrack of a 1000 sad movie exits playing in your mind, you grab somebody else’s coat and make your way to the exit.

8. Home Sweet Home

After falling asleep on the bus for so long you’re pretty sure you missed Christmas, you manage to get home, and collapse into your bed, 17 hours later you’re awoken by the repeated vibration of your mobile alerting you to almost certain social media danger. 28 phone calls, 44 messages and more than 99 Twitter notifications. Hmmm slightly out of the ordinary.

Rummaging through a jacket that you quickly discover isn’t actually yours, you find a number, with a lipstick kiss, scribbled on a bit of paper. Who’s Jea…Oh no.