Its festival season Glasgow, are you ready to get down and very very verrrrrry dirty. (Not the Christina Aguilera kind.) Stick with GlasgowLiving we’ll guide you through the perilous terrors of a summer festival.

Lets face it you risk death and dishonour at every festival appearance, and love it anyway. 

17. Do Plan Beforehand

sims

The walk to the campsite will attempt to break you in three, you will feel like Frodo walking to Mordor only with more booze, tears and increased danger. There will be many obstacles to overcome. Do not overdo it on your journey to the festival.

16. Do Bring Suitable Weekend Materials

A Wendy House tent will be hilarious for twelve seconds, carrying 70 quid worth of carry out in two Morrisons “bags for life” will leave you needing to amputate your fingers. Modern wheeled suitcases are the best option, attempting to carry a 1970’s esq suitcase 9 miles to the campsite will result in you needing to source an off duty orthopaedic surgeon and chiropractor. (There aren’t any they’ll be fleeing in the slam tent.)

15. Don’t Pet Sniffer Dogs

Sniffer dogs are not your friend, that lovely “life long friend” you met for the first time on the journey, y’no the one who asked you to carry his teddy for “safe keeping” yep you’re his mule, and that would be a sniffer dog with its jaws clamped around your neck.

14. Do Not Panic & Consume Everything On The Way In

Spaced

If you happen to be one of those nefarious types who like to consume illicit materials, and your bottle goes in the queue to the festival, Do Not Consume Everything In The One Go. No one wants to see somebody sweating, talking in tongues, with eyeballs bigger than elephants testicles, popping three foot out of their head. You probably still won’t get in either. Amnesty Bins Are Your Friend.

13. Ensure You Bring Suitable Footwear

Trust us when we say that the festival will resemble the “Swamp of Sadness” from 80’s “children’s” movie The NeverEnding Story by the end of the weekend. (Where Atreyou loses his horse to despair). Think: less dress shoes and high heels and more hill walking boots and wellies. You have been warned.

12. Minimalism Will Destroy You

Et dying

Thinking minimalism is the way forward? A weekend with the same clothes and very little else. No! Well you can also look forward to the added accessory of a metallic heat blanket administered by on site first aiders. After some unfortunate festival goer finds you curled up outside your tent, blue, unconscious, and resembling a half dead ET.

11. Do Not Go Down On Strangers

Smell it

Love in a campsite is not romantic, after three days of internal sweat, rain and horror toilets, individual crotches could ward away vampires and other nether beasts. Putting your mouth anywhere south of the equator will leave lasting psychological scars, decades of therapy will not help you dislodge.

10. Do Not Use Your Tent As A Flaming Beacon

Fire

On Sunday night, it is not acceptable to turn your portable home into a fireball, no good can come of igniting your tent, it is scary and dangerous. You will not resemble Tom Hanks in Cast Away and you will lose necessary eyebrows, body hair and almost certainly your wallet in the resulting inferno.

9. Alcohol Is Not Water

It certainly isn’t. Bring plenty of your own, keep your empty bottles as well. Probably unwise to accept a drink of the translucent potion the bearded warlock looking chap offers you. Even after he offers you the chance to open your mind and travel inter-dimensionally. You won’t travel, although you will trip and defecate in your pants.

8. Do Not Climb Into Other People’s Tents

Remember where your tent is, (see No8 for fire option) use significant markings or locatable flags to do so, do not give up and slump into the tent nearest you. There will be much screaming, crying and in the confusion a strong possibility of violence. You will probably be forced to sign a register upon arrival back in the real world.

7. Do Not Flash

flashing

Festivals last for a few days, shame lasts for ever, and any evidence will be projected directly onto the moon on your wedding day.

6. Mud & Rain = Pain

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Forget fashion, forget glamping, nature is at war with every festival, prepare accordingly.

5. Baby Wipes Are King

dumb and dumber shits

After eating stodge for the entire weekend and drinking everything that passes across your general direction, your colon will at some point evacuate like passengers fleeing the Titanic. Baby wipes will enable you to wipe the sweat from your forehead and the sh** from your arse.

4. Extended Sunshine Will Cause Spontaneous Combustion

sun urn

Bring lotion and a hat. If in the (highly) unlikely situation the fiery ball in the sky decides to hang around for the entirety of your festival experience, your pasty skin will burn alive. Add alcohol and sleep deprivation into the mix and it will result in madness, sunstroke and an extended visit to the first aid area.

3. Flashlights Will Be Handy

For the Sunday night battle to death. Joking. A pocket torch is almost essential, phones are unreliable, expensive and their battery will die immediately.

2. First Aid Tents Don’t Sell Drugs

No matter how much you rascals beg. Best take your bewildered friend away.

1. Do Not Catch & Consume Flying Cups

n8t7x

They will almost certainly contain somebody else’s piss.

Avoid these pitfalls and you shall rule as festival King or Queen

Good Luck.