Hands up who woke up this morning with the faint, panicky notion that you might have forgotten something? It’s Valentine’s Weekend, you fool! In case you had forgotten what normal Valentine’s etiquette is, check out our lovely insane guide to every couple’s absolute favourite weekend of the year.

Memory refreshed? Now it’s time to come up with a winning gift in record time. We have really wracked our brains this year to come up with some last minute wonders that are sure to go down a treat, so sit back, scroll down and get your present sorted in time to get on with the real fun of the weekend: eating expensive food, wondering what the passive aggressive card message might REALLY mean, and sincerely hoping that you don’t draw the short straw when it comes to picking the cinema choice.

A sexy saucepan

How saucy is this?! IKEA is basically already my favourite day out, so I can’t think of anything that says romance more than the Sensuell saucepan,  (bonus points if you cook something nice with it later), a plate of meatballs and a stolen IKEA pencil. You can even print out your own sexy saucepan card to go with it, IKEA are really here for us this year. Nailed it.

A giant rampant rabbit

Not that kind of rabbit, you dirty beggars! Here is the gorgeous Atlas, who is looking for a new home. If you think your other half would be the perfect owner, then you’ll just have to get in line behind the multitudes of people who are desperate to be his new human. It is most definitely worth a shot, however, if the SPCA should deem you worthy of such a great honour.

Crabs

Not the type you have to go to the doctors for, obviously. You guys really aren’t getting the hang of this romance thing. We mean sexy seafood, of course! Apparently, lobster liver is a potent aphrodisiac but there’s only one way to find out for sure. Get yourself to the fish counter in the supermarket and fingers crossed that you manage to give the gift of crabby loveliness rather than food poisoning. You got this.

A thoughtful mixtape

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Do people still make mixtapes? Is that even possible? I have no idea, I just felt like this list needed to have Craig David in it. You could always try offering a valentines spotify playlist, just make sure to upgrade to premium for the occasion because there’s nothing like an ill-timed incontinence ad to kill the vibes.

A Spin on the Love Machine

Word on the street has it that a giant valentine’s vending machine arrived at our very own Buchanan Galleries yesterday for the weekend – let fortune take over and determine whether you will get a hit or a miss this valentine’s – this is obviously one for the free spirits and risk-takers. Not to be outdone, St Enoch have built a giant lego heart. If you’re a speedy lego person then maybe you could do the same, but a quicker option may be to enter the competition to guess how many bricks they used in order to win your valentine’s spending money. Are you feeling lucky?

A Prayer to St Valentine

We’ve come to the end of our very helpful list, and you’re still utterly clueless? It seems you have one final hope: divine intervention. Luckily, Glaswegians can make a pilgrimage to St Francis’ Church in the Gorbals and ask for some inspiration from St Valentine himself – part of his remains are here in our own fair city. I have a feeling that he’ll probably just refer you back to this list, but if you really must be sure, go and ask. I’m sure he’ll be happy to help.

 

Best of luck this weekend, Glasgow. Stay strong and spread the love!