Probably The Most Offensive Guide To Surviving Valentine's Day Ever
Valentines Day, the most romantic day of the entire year. The day when couples who are typically sane 364 days throughout the year, are haunted by an inane need to declare their love by killing flowers and presenting them wrapped in non perishable paper.
Offering either chocolates or jewellery to your other half, like the Egyptians sacrificing to their SunGod, unless they have picked out their “surprise” gift personally, you will get it soo wrong. Wrong underwear size, you’re apparently calling them fat, too large a box of chocolate? You’re calling them fat. Yup Valentines Day, the only day where it’s not that bizarre to see random woman spontaneously burst into tears in the middle of the street. Ah who says romance is dead.
We’re proud to bring you: The most offensive guide to surviving Valentine’s Day in Glasgow ever.
Do Be Punctual
Arriving on time to a date is essential, it’s almost certain that your lady friend will arrive fashionably late, however arriving three hours early, in a panicked sweat and dismantling a bottle of tequila while you wait, is probably not setting yourself up for the greatest of dates (especially if it’s a first date). In the same context, arriving late, in a blaze of glory with odd socks, your Dad’s (once) white jeans from 1964, shampoo still dripping out your hair and a sleeveless shirt does not scream well prepared. “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail” as Mr Jones, your old chemistry teacher would say (sadly Mr Jones is now sectioned under the supervision of the Mental Health Act, after turning up nude to school and allegedly striking an overzealous lunch lady with an umbrella).
Don’t Bring Your Emotional Baggage
If you’ve spent four hours of your Valentines blind date crying into your New York BBQ Chicken about your “one true love”, after which you begged your waitress to cut of up into bite size bits, “the way mumsy used to”, it is probably not going well. Don’t worry it’s still redeemable, start by making a light hearted joke about splitting the bill and discreetly pass the waitress your bank card. Whatever you do, don’t whip out your piggy bank and one by agonisingly one, shake out your penny savings.
Do Break The Ice, Don’t Break & Enter
Well done you’ve managed to survive dinner, and your piggy bank is still intact, the next stage of your date is crucial, the best thing to do is suggest something spontaneous (ice bar, rock climbing, skydiving etc), what you should definitely avoid doing is suggesting a spontaneous activity and then take your current date to your ex’s house, while you attempt and fail, to climb up the drainpipe and into their bedroom window. Eventually giving up and lying crying in the garden. No romantic liaison should involve running from the police to the echoes of tazer fire and yells of “Tommy I’ve told you to stop trying to climb into my house, the restraining order is there for a reason.”
Do Be Generous With Flowers
An easy one this, although you might doubt the allure of flowers, as a result of the time you went to pick them wild and were viciously molested by a horde of genetically modified bees. Flowers can be a key ally in wooing your way into your date’s affections. Asking for guidance inside a florist can win you major brownie points as well. Whatever you do don’t take a shortcut through the local graveyard looking for the freshest flowers. Fresh means recently deceased. The last thing your date wants to read is a sympathy card for “Dearest Grandpa”. Don’t do it, it’s bad. And we’re pretty sure that’s how the dead eventually come back to roam the earth in the Walking Dead.
Do Get The Nipple Rings Out
So you’ve hidden the fact you’re a cheap bast***, petty thief, and are not above desecrating the graves of the recently deceased, the date couldn’t be going any better. You should immediately unleash the full spectacle of your adjoining nipple and belly button rings. Best Date Chat Ever.
Do Not Suggest An Everlasting Memento.
Especially because your di** is running out of space to put initials on. Three of which you decided to get after three dates, two vodkas and four aftershocks. Your di** is no place for four tattoo. (Three tattoos? Obviously hot, but four is just one di** tattoo too many.)
Do Not Propose
Oh My God, Do not propose on your first date you lunatic. Your date’s already considering adding to your collection of previously attained restraining orders. You should certainly not lurk around the toilet waiting for your date to reappear (if she’s not attempted to abscond through a bathroom window). Upon surprising your date at the door of the ladies toilet (or actually inside) you should certainly not have secretly coaxed the waiter into dipping your £1.50 Primark ring into the Yates own bottle of Prosecco flavoured “Prosecca”. (You may or may not have stolen off of a nearby table.)
Don’t Compare To Mumsy
So, heavily against the run of play, and to the absolute amazement of everybody in the restaurant, and everybody who has ever lived…Ever. She agrees to marry you. Reaching in for an embrace, don’t whatever you do announce to her that you love the way the fragrance of her hair reminds you of Mumsy’s hair, and proceed to unveil a ponytail of what can only be presumed is your mother’s hair, from your pocket. (Seriously if she’s still cutting about after this are you sure she isn’t softening you up for a bit of casual organ theft?)
Do Be Responsible With Technology
Thanks to the advent of Tinder people no longer have to put their deceased mothers clothes on and carry around her ponytail in their pocket. Whatever you do don’t set up multiple Tinder dates in the one day. Remember you’ve only got so many organs to give out.