10 Scottish "Delicacies" That Should Give Ye The Boke (but we love anyway)
Seriously, we know we shouldn’t but who can resist some of these Scottish “delicacies”, Who even wants to live until they’re 95 when you tuck into these tasty treats now.
GlasgowLiving brings you 10 Scottish “Delicacies” That Should Give Ye Boke….(but we love anyway.)
10. Munchie Box
Aah the reliable munchie box, the signature staple diet of the Glasgow stoner. Pushing 3000 calories per box, scientists have discovered that not only will regular munchie box consumption seriously decrease your chance of being able to get up and down the stairs without the aid of a chair lift, but the chemicals in the box can actually turn male snails into female snails. Basically failing to discard your munchie box rubbish using the correct procedure is creating a world full of gender confused snails. That’s just irresponsible.
9. Deep Fried Pizza
Why does deep fried anything have to taste so f****** good, we know each bite of pizza takes about ten years from our life, and we know that we’re literally cooking cheese tomato and dough in fat. But damn man, biting into a fried pizza is like heaven. A little bit of reassurance, but technically deep frying food doesn’t necessarily result in an unhealthy meal, (the moisture in the food should repel the fat.) Basically chippies can be considered healthy eating (kinda).
8. Roll and Pie
Who the f*** came up with a roll and pie? Hi there can I have a carbohydrate wrapped in extra carbohydrates, thanks very much. A roll and pie draws so much moisture from your body, you’d need to be sitting in the bath, just to avoid becoming dehydrated while eating it.
7. Pizza Crunch, Chips, Cheese & Curry Sauce
It’s like the population of Scotland don’t actually enjoy living. A pizza crunch (pizza wrapped in batter and deep fried) deep fried chips, melted cheese and curry sauce. With a calorie content in the region of 8 million, we’ll be honest though it tastes so f***** good. Topped off with a can of Irn Bru, a packet of Space Raiders and a Mars Bar, you’ve pretty much nailed every sixteen year old boy’s, dream three course meal. (It probably also goes a little bit toward explaining why 16 year olds in Glasgow are the height and shape of a city centre rubbish bin.)
With fear of uniting and inciting the wrath of the Scottish clans, haggis is utterly revolting, how can you arrive at any other conclusion. Ingredients you ask? “Well you take a sheep’s stomach, heart liver and lungs” Wait what? Usually washed down with the hardest most potent alcohol this side of the British Isles…Whisky. No wonder we’re all f****** mental.
5. Black Pudding/White Pudding
Ah yes, another quaint Scottish delicacy. In essence fried blood and pork fat. Whilst the white pudding exchanges the blood, for actual meat but obviously still includes pork fat. An overwhelming smell of boiling blood as well. Oh and the blood in a black pudding is genuine coagulated pig, cattle or sheep blood. Tasty.
4. Tablet and Macaroon
Ah yes, our traditional national sweet. Eating tablet is similar to playing Russian Roulette with the dentist’s chair. Any weaknesses in your teeth and you can be sure the tablet will locate, lock and send a searing, horrific pain straight into the nerve of your tooth. Root canal treatment? Why thank you, how considerate. Macaroon is actually made by boiling and mashing potatoes, followed by adding in the region of a lb of sugar. A f****** pound of sugar? In real life terms that’s almost a half kilo of sugar. F***me. Remember your wee innocent granny giving you tablet and macaroon as a youngster…Turns out granny was a monster out to wreck your teeth.
3. Macaroni Pies
People were so outraged about Gregg’s removing Macaroni pies from their menu, campaigners started a petition to have them reinstated. Seriously! We’ve got to ask why? It looks like somebody has removed a dead artery from a human being and lathered it in cheese. Clogging your arteries and killing you, the pie is effectively creating itself in a kind of sinister David Lynchian metaphor for the Circle of Life.
Resembling a paste that helps you stick wallpaper the the wall, porridge doesn’t look too far away from baby sick. As is winter wasn’t hard enough for the people of Scotland, they are in fact encouraged to eat this gruel-esq food on a regular basis for breakfast. If that wasn’t punishment enough, what do they add to enhance the flavour? Salt. Any suggestion of adding sugar and you are indeed banished north of Hadrian’s Wall.
1. Scotch Egg
Scotch eggs? What is it with the Scottish and their love of deep fried carbohydrates. Obviously with eggs not being considered the healthiest of snacks, the last thing you would probably do is deep fry them and wrap them in carbohydrates. Unless you’re from Scotland obviously, instead of looking for ways to increase the health benefits of eggs, they wrapped them in meat, wrapped them in breadcrumbs and deep fried the lot. Don’t be surprised to see three year old’s eating the calorie laden treats for lunch.