Awrite mate, hows it gaun? Ye ready for this belter ae a list? Whit we ur trying tae dae is gie ye’s a wee taste ae hunners a put downs an heavy patter, so ye’s av got a bit o a scubie if dafties are heavy trying to pound intae ye’s. Sound mate.

Ready for a crash course in colloquial Glaswegian patter? (We’ve included a handy translation for those who are struggling to keep up.)

11. Yer Maw’s Got Baws & Yer Da’s Jealous

As in. Your mother is a little on the tough looking side, I feel somewhat sorry for your father.

10. Rougher Than a Badgers Arse

As in. Jesus man, I am feeling seriously hungover…I shouldn’t have consumed that seventh bottle of vodka last night, I woke up under a bridge, spooning a mythological troll.

9. Here We Getting a Scoop eh Night or Whit

As in. Hi there Deedee would you consider getting a drink of alcohol with me tonight or would you rather leave it for another time?

8. Wouldnae Ride Her/Him Intae Battle

As in. I’m truly sorry to say but I simply don’t find him/her attractive and couldn’t imagine in any universe here or parallel, fornicating with them, ever.

7. I Wouldnae S**g Him/Her With Yours

As in. I wouldn’t copulate with him/her, even if I had borrowed your genitalia to do so.

6. Ooft What a f***** Stoater

As in. Will you have a look over there at that undesirable member of society…They have indeed just punched that guide dog square in the face.

5. Here Keep Edgy for the Poltai/5-0/Sid/Fuzz

As in. Would you be so kind as to keep a watchful eye for the local authorities…Whilst I attempt to place this cone on top of that dashing Duke of Wellington statue.

4. Mate You Smell Like an Alkies Carpet

As in. I do believe my good man after your alcohol induced escapades last night, resultant lack of sleep and failure to brush your teeth, wash or refresh yourself in any way, you currently smell similar to how we imagine an alcoholic’s carpet smells.

3. Here You’ve a Face Like a Dug Licking Piss Affa Jaggy Nettles

As in. Hello there, how unfortunate for you, it appears you are less than aesthetically pleasing to the eye…You look similar to how we imagine a canine, who unfortunately decided to consume urine residing upon Urtica Dioca (stinging nettles) would resemble.

2. Couldnae Get Yer Hole in a Barrel of F*****s/D***s

As in. It does appear you couldn’t convince a member of the opposite sex to become romantically involved with you if you had an infinite amount of opportunities.

1. S**g the Hair on a Barbers Flare

As in. That individual is of such easy leisure and sexually eager, they would probably copulate with the hair on a barbers floor, because it resembles a woman’s genitalia.

Have you any particular favourites Glasgow? Let us know