Wham & Your Teeth Were Gone
Before the days of worrying about child sugar intake, dental destruction or childhood obesity. A generation of young people lived for sweet shops, tuck shop and the ice cream van.
One of the GlasgowLiving team in particular, remembers a sweet shop in Alisson Street, Govanhill, called Jimmy’s or was run by a man called Jimmy, does anybody have any recollection of this? He’s losing his mind because nobody remembers.
We run through some of the sweets that helped define our childhood and obliterate an entire country’s milk teeth.
16. Desperate Dan Bars
Spectacularly addictive, ingredients were apparently a mixture of black shale and orange luminous security jackets, it is alleged Desperate Dan was so masculine he was immune to the dentist. Children weren’t. Dentists laughed
15. Roy of the Rovers Chew Bar
The closest this chew bar got to pineapple was when the child holding it, got lost in the supermarket and was found rocking up and down in the fruit section speaking to a pineapple adopted as their temporarily adopted parent.
14. Chocolate Cigarettes
These sweets were still on sale in 2009… 2009 people.
13. Atomic Fireblast
Allegedly made from pieces of extinct volcano and the lava found at the centre of the earth.
Would probably be considered a lethal weapon if caught with one by authorities, eventually just tasted like blood and tears after tearing every taste bud from your tongue. Could strike anything from 900 yards.
11. Taz Bars
Taz bars, will alway be Taz bars to a certain generation. Freddo never stood a chance. P.S. 10p.
10. Wonka Bars Xploder
Even adults to this day imagine the Wonka bars available in store are created in a wondrous factory operated by the friendliest staff there are. Whereas the truth is, probably, zero hour contracted, fingerless orphans chained to a labouring wall in Indonesia.
9. Jelly Slurps
Apparently made from the carcasses of deceased octopi.
8. Candy Watches
For weeks after the ice cream van purchased candy watches and candy necklaces from the cash and carry, there would be armies of eye patch wearing, visually impaired children, roaming the playgrounds like landlocked pirates, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims.
Gone but not forgotten.
6. Fizzy Frosties
We imagine at a Frosties boardroom meeting, the question was asked, “how can we deteriorate the condition of school children’s teeth worse than typical Frosties?” Came the helpful reply, “why don’t we add a fizzy acid type substance, that should do the trick.” Genius.
5. Cola Bars
Tasted more like the bottom of a Coca Cola employees shoe than actual Coca Cola, but nevertheless we dipped the chew bar in the sugar laden drink anyway. Was a fine addition to a self purchased 12p 7litre bottle of Kwik Save cola.
4. Paint brush lollies
Bizarrely children would spend more time pretending to brush their teeth with paintbrush lollies, than brushing their teeth with y’no an actual toothbrush and toothpaste. Only in the West of Scotland could this happen.
3. Mega Warheads
In the 1997-1999 era Mega Warheads were responsible for being so fizzy there were unconfirmed reports of hundreds of cases of children (and one adult) faces turning inside out.
*Fact* Warheads are only .6 on the PH scale away from having the same corrosive nature as battery acid.
2. Melody Pop
Scientists studying in Glasgow University believe they can prove a direct link between increased purchases of Melody Pops in local communities and apparent random attack by birds, after one local community reported a 8000% per cent increase in avian/child assaults.
1. Irn Bru Bars
The daddy of all childhood sweets in the West of Scotland, sadly now banned. We imagine the ingredients must be the young of endangered animals, multiple addictive chemicals, the remains of a fallen star and a little colouring. A fine combination. Single handedly responsible for keeping the tooth fairy in business.