Like people up and down the country, we have been following the search for the missing TITP cash machine with a mixture of fear, trepidation and awe. Did it leave alone? Was it taken? Does it really know Calvin Harris’ pin number? There are a few theories out there… which one would you put money on?

1. Kidnapping

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2. It left of its own accord

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It doesn’t say Cash on the Move for nowt.

3. It’s now on the black market

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4. Wherever it went, it hadn’t packed all its meds

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Sudden, unexpected decision. Didn’t even have plastic bags on its feet. Suspicious.

5. Annie Mac knows more than she’s letting on

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Genuine curiosity? Or is she cleverly keeping up with the investigation because … (drumroll) IT WAS ANNIE?! And she’s gotta stay ahead of the game.

6. The maw is suspiciously cheerful

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Duke of Edinburgh, eh? Just left him off in the wilderness, eh?

7. There’s a chance that the ATM may have been caught on CCTV at some point

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Police are currently scouring the records and might have a few leads.

8. Wait a second, is that basically a confession?

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Fun Lovin Criminals, aye? Love nicking things aye? WHERE’S THE ATM THEN?

9. Wherever it is, it’s having a belter of a time


Being able to produce money on command is a far more appealing trait to humans than its fellow cash machines. It’s probably being treated like a king!

PS If you actually know anything about the ATM then call Police Scotland on 101. Please just put us out of our misery, we need to know what happened.