Toilets in Glasgow pubs and clubs can be a strange place, ensure you follow the correct etiquette. With GlasgowLiving’s handy cut out and keep guide, you’ll never find yourself out of place in a toilet again.

Getting/Giving the Nod

If upon entering the toilet there happens to be a gentlemen leaving on a similar pathway it is customary to give a slight nod in his general direction acknowledging you both use the mens bathroom, and are therefore men. (It is also sometimes acceptable to gruffly say “a’rite mate”.) Depending on the establishment of course.

Urinal courtesy

Always leave one urinal as a buffer between you and the nearest gentleman. If you are first in line, travel to the furthest away urinal before you commence your urinary evacuation. If it is late on in the evening all previous customs are invalid and you are basically Mad Max in the Thunderdome.

Conversation options

Do not speak whilst at the urinal, if you have an acquaintance inadvertently accompanies you to the toilet, limited small talk is available. In short agreeable sentences, topics available are, music, the club, absent friends, drunk friends, disapproving chat about girlfriends and very little else.

Sentences unavailable for conversation at the urinal are “Ooft mate put that away it looks like it could bite me.” and “mate how much sugar puffs have you eaten cos your p*** is reeking.” is also unaccepted.

Eye eye popeye

During the expenditure of your bodily fluids at the urinal, the only acceptable direction to be looking is immediately straight in front of you (or if your urine evacuation takes longer than expected, you can look upward, very briefly) No exceptions are available to this rule. Consider it the thirteenth commandment.

The Terror

It is commonly accepted that in the instance of realising “your tune” is playing, the song you’ve waited 7 months to hear, to absolutely lose your mind, forget what you’re doing, (many have honed their bladders to stop urinating instantly) and run screaming and shouting out the toilet like a lunatic. Nobody will judge, there will be a few people say in agreement “hmm must be his tune”.

Cubicle Confusion

If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of having to use the cubicle in the club toilets, expect to first lay eyes on an enormous pair of hands grasping the top of the cubicle, and following that expect to view an angry red faced bouncer launch himself upward onto the door peeking his head over the cubicle. This is to ensure you are refraining from any nefarious activities beyond the cubicles boundaries. (You will have toilet invasive nightmares for weeks.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Etiquette in a Glasgow Club Toilet.